The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: DIY Gardening 1

March 9th, 2023

It may feel like the winter weather will never let up, but planting season is just around the corner! And whether you have a green thumb or have never grown a thing in your life, this is the perfect year to gear up your garden with some new gardening know-hows.

An Intervention with Your Plants

Have you attempted a garden year after year with few results? Do you feel out of touch with your green thumb? Were you thinking about throwing in the towel, settling down for a summer indoors to avoid certain heartbreak? Have you tried… an intervention? Well, look no further, because if you follow these quick tips below, you’re guaranteed to finally have that overabundant harvest you’ve always wanted.

1. Always approach your plants calmly. Any sudden movements could send them into a fury or even bring on fatal plant shock syndrome. If you’ve ever had a dog or a deer run past your garden, only to find a tomato or someone else withered away the next morning, this is probably what happened.
2. Treat them with respect. Have you ever wondered how oxygen gets replenished on a regular basis? That’s right, food isn’t the only way they’re keeping you alive, so do them a big favor and be on your best behavior while in their presence. Plants thrive in a mutually respectful environment.
3. Ask your garden buddies how they’re doing. It’s difficult for some plants to open up about their feelings, so give them time. Show them your genuine concern for their well-being, and offer to listen to their problems. Don’t interrupt them, speak over them, or cast judgment onto them. Only offer advice if they ask for it because, well, it’s rude otherwise. Duh.
4. Buy presents. Using the almighty Google Firefox, look up some great species-specific gift ideas, whether that’s a tasty fertilizer supplement, a fancy watering can, or a bag of coffee grounds to ward off the unrelenting backyard ants. Remember, everyone appreciates being rewarded for their good efforts.
5. Bring up your concerns. Let your plants know how deeply you care for them, and that you just want what’s best. Ask them how you can make them feel more comfortable in your backyard and confident in their place as producers. Sometimes, when we remind our garden pals that they’re not alone—there’s actually 8 million blades of grass nearby—and that they’re cared for, they’re able to work through any problems they may have had.

Get On Your Plants’ Good Side Ideas

Did your intervention go terribly wrong? Did you chicken out at the last second and ditch your efforts altogether? Don’t worry. We have a couple more ideas below to get your gardening back on track.

1. The buy-them-new-surroundings idea. There’s nothing better than a new raised bed, a bigger clay pot, a fresh layer of mulch, or a new wall to climb. Gently remind them that a comforting new layout is meant to boost their productivity without acting like a big nag by placing pictures of your neighbors’ successful harvests nearby. This will help them to understand your mutual goals as a gardening household.
2. The sing-them-into-fruition idea. Plants love carbon dioxide and you don’t, so it’s a great place to blow some of your used up air. It’s actually the only benefit of singing to your plant unless you’ve mastered the rain dance or happen to have a corn patch nearby. Even then, corn prefers to listen to secrets, not music. Watch what you say around them. They have many ears.