The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Gamer’s Choice

Have you ever wanted to play one of the best dating simulators of all time? Well, then this is the game for you. My Horse Prince is a mobile dating simulator about a businesswoman who has grown tired of her city life and decides to quit her job and head to the countryside. She has been single most of her life, so as she leaves the city, she is also on the search for a romantic partner. The woman decides to check out a racing-horse ranch to find her true love, but the one guy that catches her eye isn’t quite what she was expecting. This gentleman is tall, handsome, and kind, but he also has four legs. Our protagonist has fallen for a horse with a human face. This app does an amazing job of building the relationship between this girl and the horse. Their chemistry is off the charts, and this horse is as charming as they get. Not only does this app have amazing storytelling, but it also has mini-games as you help take care of this handsome horse. I highly recommend everyone check out this game once as it is an experience I will never forget. It is free in the app store on most devices. Available for Android and iOS. 

Talking Horse

The graphics of Talking Horse are quite honestly amazing. Horse is absolutely adorable with a charming smile and a little laugh when you click on him. Horse also comes with a pet fish! There is a cute little chick that winks at you and her egg siblings that hide in the horse’s dresser drawer. For some reason, there is a TV that says hello and then shows each letter of the alphabet in green letters, and sometimes when you click on it, a little kid even reads off the letters to you. The horse has a dance button that makes him dance to music. He also has a fart button, and two other button options you can unlock with coins you gain by playing games, watching ads, or by purchase.

This game is very similar to and seems to be modeled after the Talking Tom series. Horse can repeat after you when you speak if you enable your microphone. Another similarity is that like Tom, Horse can go to the bathroom and to sleep. In the bathroom, Horse can flush the toilet, and in the bedroom, Horse can go to sleep and be awoken by a rooster, whom we can only assume is related to the chick in the dresser. There are also two other locations that can be unlocked with coins. The games you play to gain more in-game currency are Jumpy Horse, Horse Smash, and Horse Jump; Horse Jump is a really easy and slow game of Horse jumping up grassy platforms and background of clouds. Jumpy Horse is pretty similar but more fast-paced, with a cool sunset background and bird enemies that you must avoid. Horse Smash, though, is this game’s version of Whack-a-Mole and has three different modes: Hostage, where Horse holds a goose in an attempt to get you not to whack him’ Normal, where you play until you miss 100 horses; and Timer, which is exactly what it sounds like, you play with a timer counting down.

Overall, this game was pretty entertaining all around and could hold my attention for hours. The Apple App Store gives Talking Horse a 4 out of 5-star rating, and I believe that is deservingly so with high-quality graphics and riveting gameplay. I recommend trying out this app and spending some time with Horse and friends yourself. Available for Android and iOS. 

Ride to Hell: Retribution set out to be the next great Grand Theft Auto, riding around on your motorcycle, kicking ass, and not letting anyone tell you what you can or can’t do. Sounds like a great idea for a video game, right? Unlimited player freedom? Live life as a dangerous biker? Get the girl? The only thing that Ride to Hell: Retribution has accomplished is the actual sensation of what it is like riding into hell when you play this forsaken video game. It is, by far, one of the worst games ever made and published. Why is it so bad? Everything. God. Damn. Everything. The graphics look like what happens when you put a blow torch on a Barbie doll, all melted plastic with a fresh coating of paint to make it resemble something human. The sounds in this game make me want to hurl my headphones into the wall and slam it with a guitar, because I know I can make a better noise by breaking that guitar than whatever sound production they put into the game. The writer and the voice acting? Abhorrent. It sounds like someone recorded their lines like a middle schooler reading off their research paper to the class. It’s awkward and they get it over with as soon as possible. The whole story is about hunting down a biker for killing the protagonist’s brother, but you want to know what he accomplished while getting revenge? He spent more time getting laid than mourning his dead brother. I’m serious. This game is full of pointless, awkward sex-scenes, in which everyone has clothes on. More than once, the protagonist beats up or kills someone harassing the girl, then seconds later, a cutscene plays with them crashing together like a Barbie and Ken doll. Don’t forget the melted plastic bit. It is awful. This game is horrible. The only “Retribution” I want is my money back.