February 17, 2025
For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….
Fictional Fiancé: William Afton (FNAF)
On today’s edition of Fictional Fiancé, we explore a name that every person who ever was and/or is interested in Five Nights at Freddy’s (FNAF) knows like one would know the name of Voldemort: William Afton, also known as Purple Guy. If you know anything about FNAF, you know about the boogeyman that is William Afton. He is a murder machine-making, serial killing, child soul-stealing business owner and the main antagonist of the Five Night’s at Freddy’s video game series. Today’s Fictional Fiancé will be rating William Afton’s dateability based on his recent appearance in the Five Night’s at Freddy’s movie. Now let us see if he’s as great as a guy (likely not) for dating as FNAF fans argued he was when we were kids.
Hotness: ★★★★☆
Maybe I am a little biased, but Matthew Lillard playing William Afton in the FNAF movie was giving major silver fox. Matthew Lillard stabbed into our hearts in Scream, and he stabbed into our hearts once again as William Afton. Why Lillard keeps looking as hot as he does while acting as a murderer, I really don’t know. Just make sure to completely ignore his character and space out while he’s on the screen like I did, and his rating here can continue to be high! (This rating will deteriorate as you get further in the movie.)
Safety: ★☆☆☆☆
Not very safe to date. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get to pick the animatronic that’ll hold your soul for the rest of eternity
Affection: ★☆☆☆☆
The man stabbed his own daughter, I wouldn’t count on him being too affectionate.
Charisma: ★★☆☆☆
Even though he was charismatic and funny during parts of the FNAF movie, it was mostly a rouse to hide his serial-killer identity.
Intelligence: ★★★☆☆
He’s smart enough to manufacture murder machines, own several businesses, launder money, and keep a secret identity, but he also isn’t smart enough to kill a night guard who sleeps more than he does his own job.
Romanticness: ★☆☆☆☆
I have the feeling this guy’s idea of a romantic night would be to take you to a Freddy Fazbear’s location and brag about how cool everything about said Fazbear’s location is. At least you’ll enjoy some Fazbear Pizza while you’re out with him.
Overall Dateability: ★☆☆☆☆
Siri, please remove “Mama, I’m in Love with a Criminal” by Britney Spears from my playlist, because I am NOT!