May 19, 2025 (Summer)
For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….
Fictional Fiancé: Jason Voorhees
As summer nears and the heat of the season finally rolls in, many of us look towards the lake for a relaxing time to enjoy the summer. But so does one man in particular. Jason Voorhees of Camp Crystal Lake comes out every summer wearing his signature hockey mask on his face and this year’s choice of weapon in hand. With summer on the horizon, the threat of Jason Voorhees is more real now than ever, But does he also pose a threat to any of your potential suitors?
Appearances: ★★★☆☆
Standing over six feet tall with quite the muscular build, this woodsman has a few things going for him. As the horror genre often does, Jason plays into the horror trope of a killer being disabled by being disfigured. If you’re so concerned about that anyway, he does wear a mask and doesn’t seem to ever take it off.
Odor: ☆☆☆☆☆
Does this man shower? No. Does he wash himself up in any possible way? Well, he is submerged in water for extended periods of time, but I doubt he possesses soap in the tiny shack he lives in.
Family Values: ★★★★★
If there were awards for momma’s boys, Mr. Voorhees here would take first place! His bond with his mom is so strong that he can even speak to her in death. Jason certainly puts a priority on family, so you better hope his mom approves of you joining, because the alternative isn’t too great for you.
Protectiveness: ★★★★★
Jason Voorhees is incredibly protective; there’s no mercy for trespassers on his property. If you were dating him, you’d presumably be protected as much as Crystal Lake. That is up for debate considering how dangerous Jason is himself, however. …
Responsibility: ★★★★☆
Jason Voorhees says NO to drugs and alcohol, kids … and he also says no to sex, bullying, littering, partying, and generally existing on his property. I guess killing is okay? As long as he’s doing it. So if you don’t engage in any of that, you’ll be set to move in with him into his tiny shack!
Living Quarters: ★☆☆☆☆
Jason lives in a lovely shack that will suit all of your needs. We, of course, have a table, which his mom’s head is placed on (lovely touch there), and the only other decoration is a cabinet for weapons! Bed? What’s that?
Dateability: ★★☆☆☆
Despite seemingly having a few good traits in a partner, please do not attempt to date Jason Voorhees, and moreover, just don’t go to Crystal Lake.