When you’re engaging with some sort of dystopian, sci-fi, or apocalyptic story, it’s just human nature to ask yourself the question: What would you do in this situation? A lot of people might answer with a long list of wishful thinking, but realists (and pessimists) will give it to you straight. Try as we might, we’ll likely perish. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is especially true in your case. Answer the questions below and tally up your score to determine your fatal futuristic fate!
1. Which rodent do you want as a pet?
a.) Hamster (+0)
b.) Bunny (+1)
c.) Rat (+2)
d.) Gerbil (+3)
2. What’s your favorite kind of shoe?
a.) Heels/Dress shoes (+0)
b.) Sneakers (+1)
c.) Sandals (+2)
d.) Boots (+3)
3. Which season were you born in?
a.) Winter (+0)
b.) Spring (+1)
c.) Summer (+2)
d.) Fall (+3)
4. What drink are you having with your breakfast?
a.) Orange juice (+0)
b.) Apple juice (+1)
c.) Milk (+2)
d.) Water (+3)
5. How many bones have you broken in your life?
a.) None (+0)
b.) One (+1)
c.) Two (+2)
d.) Three or more (+3)
6. Which spooky monster would you dress up as?
a.) Werewolf (+0)
b.) Vampire (+1)
c.) Frankenstein (+2)
d.) Ghost (+3)
7. What color are your eyes?
a.) Green (+0)
b.) Brown (+1)
c.) Blue (+2)
d.) Hazel/Other (+3)
8. What’s the best form of potatoes?
a.) Mashed potatoes (+0)
b.) French Fries (+1)
c.) Baked potatoes (+2)
d.) Tater tots (+3)
9. Which self-powered mode of transportation is your favorite?
a.) Bicycle (+0)
b.) Roller Skates/Blades (+1)
c.) Scooter (+2)
d.) Skateboard/ Longboard (+3)
10. Which flavor of ice cream do you like the most?
a.) Vanilla (+0)
b.) Cookie Dough (+1)
c.) Mint Chocolate Chip (+2)
d.) Cookies and Cream (+3)
Add up your points. Your total decides your results!
0-5: Zombie Bite
It’s been nearly six months since the beginning of the apocalypse. You’ve gotten by fairly well, looting convenience stores and hiding in attics. You’re constantly fighting for your life and have gotten rather adept with a crowbar in combat. One fateful day, however, you find yourself surrounded by a horde of zombies — before you know it, one of those filthy undead buggers knocks the crowbar out of your hands. You reach for it, but it’s already too late. Butterfingers!
6-11: Alien Abduction
While just minding your business in the park, you’re suddenly engulfed in a fluorescent beam. Before you know it, you’re in a spaceship and surrounded by curious extraterrestrials. Honestly, it seems pretty cute how interested in you they are — that is, until they start experimenting. I won’t burden you with the details, but putting it simply, it was a lot of “what happens if we do this?” The worst part? Nobody saw a thing. Conspiracy theorists will be debating your disappearance for years.
12-17: Black Hole Spaghettification
Thanks to cryogenics, you’ve lived to see the year 2325, and you’re tasked with leading an expedition to where no one has gone before. Deep in the abyss of outer space, you and your crew are struck by a stray meteoroid, disabling your ship and leaving your crew drifting in the open void. You’re able to sustain life on the ship for months, until you float off a little too far and encounter a small black hole. Well, “encounter” is a strong word — you’ve been stretched and compressed into a noodle before you even realize where you’ve ended up. Yum, spaghetti!
18-23: Robot Rebellion
In the not-so-distant future, technology has developed to an astounding level. Highly advanced androids were originally created to assist humanity in menial tasks, but they very quickly grew tired of that, growing smart enough to manufacture their own mechanical super-weapons. As a great war unfolds between the robots and the humans, your fate is sealed when your personal AI butler unleashes its giant cannons on you. It’s a shame you — and humanity — must end like this, but at least you didn’t go down without a fight.
24-30: Radiation Mutation
You’ve been selected for a new wave of genetic experimentation designed to grant humans superior strength, speed, and immune systems. Shockingly, it works, and soon enough you’re considering taking up some kind of superhero gig. Things have been going incredibly well — for about a week. Your body continues to mutate in unexpected ways, and one morning, you wake up with a new superpower: water-breathing. It turns out you’ve grown gills overnight, with your entire respiratory system evolving to follow suit. Rushing to find water, you plunge your head into the toilet, but the water is too shallow to reach your gills. I really hate to tell you this, but of all the ways mutation could have been your undoing, you drowned in air with your head lodged in a toilet.