The Driftwood #45: The Trash Vortex

You’ve reached the place where all the bad, but oh-so-satisfying entertainment exists. Here, in the Trash Vortex, we provide you with only the trashiest, most bingeworthy recommendations. It’s a dark hole you won’t escape!

Disney Movies that Haunt My Every Waking Moment

The Walt Disney Company’s stranglehold on popular culture dictates in part how we understand its role relative to the arts: its impact on traditional fairy tales, its constant evolution of animation and storytelling, and the terrifying power of nostalgia. However, the ebbs and flows of what audiences want to see, combined with studio interference, will make or break a film, and the mouse is no different.

(To avoid casting too wide a net, we’ll limit ourselves to theatrical animated feature ilms—no straight-to-DVD or live-action films, unfortunately. One day, though. One day.)

The Wild (2006)

Batting 62 feature films over 100 years means that at least a few miss the mark—and that’s without considering Disney’s producing division snatching up whatever can capitalize on other popular movies.

And no, no, not Dreamworks’ Madagascar (2006); given the release schedule for both films, it’s more likely that the two developed independently of one another. It’s more likely The Wild took story beats from The Lion King (1994) and Finding Nemo (2003)—a single dad looking for his son alongside a cast of kooky characters—and combined it with the cynical, referential humor standard for the 2000s. In this version, the father lion goes on his search-and-rescue mission after his son was accidentally shipped to Africa from their zoo home.

What the film misses, however, is this: audiences should like your cast of kooky characters, or tolerate them for the scant contributions they make to the movie. You know, without slapping Coldplay music over key emotional moments (yes, really) to make us feel something. Without stopping and starting its central conflict for an unfunny gag—usually involving the harassment of the sole female character—for an hour and a half.

Mars Needs Moms 

While the premise isn’t terrible—a teenage boy mounts an intergalactic rescue mission after his mother is kidnapped by aliens—Mars Needs Moms is too hobbled by bad animation and effects to be enjoyable. Computerized 3D animation and mocap (motion capture) are too easy pickings for a Trash Vortex reviewer, given their tendency to age terribly with enough time between initial release and current-day standards. Even Disney’s Home on the Range reaps the benefits of well-designed, colorful set pieces and characters expected for the studio even nearly two decades later. On the other hand, Mars Needs Moms was instantly dated upon release—the odd facial expressions, the janky camerawork, the aliens—oh my word, the  aliens.

It’s one thing for the aliens to look … strange, yes. They’re an extraterrestrial species not beholden to the same restrictions we have. No, knowing the child protagonist was mo-capped by then-37-year-old Seth Green makes watching him doanything a painful endeavor.