For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….
The Book Bachelor: Aragorn, Son of Arathorn
Okay, so you didn’t actually get around to reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy until, like, college, but you’ve always liked the movies, right? While Sam and Frodo are off sobbing and stumbling over rocks in Mordor, Aragorn is … well, you guess he’s doing everything else. You didn’t quite follow the trajectory of his journey, but it didn’t really matter, because he looked so cool doing … whatever it was he was doing. Whose army is that again? You couldn’t really hear the dialogue over the plane, and besides, they probably didn’t include the scene where they explain it in the theatrical cut included on your in-flight entertainment, anyway. Doesn’t matter! Aragorn brought a bunch of ghosts, so it’s fine now. Wait, ghosts? Doesn’t matter. It’s cool. Go Aragorn!Sure, you were always more of a Legolas guy as a kid, but every kid is a Legolas guy. He’s the most effective advertisement for archery lessons ever written. (What level of archery mastery do you need to reach before you get the elf ears…?) As a single and ready to mingle adult, though? Well, muttering cryptically while gazing off into the distance is probably somebody’s thing, right? (Author’s note: Legolas never married. Historians say that he and Gimli, whom he invited along to the Undying Lands, were very good friends.) No, your sensibilities have matured. You need a suitor with personality to match. You need—
The doors bang open. It’s him. The one true king. Aragorn. Wow, was he always this sexy, or are you just jet-lagged?
Dependability:
He disappears for long stretches, leaving his allies to brave the terrors of the realm without him … but he always shows up just in the nick of time. ★★★★☆
Affection:
If his speeches about the power of his bonds and his smoldering gaze are any indicator, he’s got affection in spades. Unfortunately, he takes a little while to open up. ★★★★☆
Cuddlability:
I’ll give him another star when you can tell me the last time he has showered. ★★☆☆☆
Charisma:
Sure, a king is kind of obligated to be charismatic, but Aragorn is physically incapable of delivering a lame speech. Who else could rally a ghost army to fight the forces of darkness? ★★★★★
Funness of dates:
Okay, only being able to communicate in speeches has its drawbacks. If anyone deserves a safe, fated romance, it’s him, but while he’s doing that, I’m gonna be taking a bathroom break. ★★☆☆☆
Listening/communication skills:
Name another man in this series who treats every woman he encounters as an equal. Granted, he only speaks to, like, three women, but I bet there would be more if Aragorn had written Lord of the Rings instead. ★★★★☆
Intelligence:
He knows his stuff, but he’s no Gandalf. ★★★☆☆
Coolness:
Sword? Check. Exiled king? Check. Respecting women? Check. The only thing that could make Aragorn cooler is his own ring of power … not that he’d accept it. ★★★★★
Overall:
If he’s good enough for Arwen to give up her immortality, he’s good enough for me. ★★★★★