February 9, 2024
For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….
The Book Bachelor: Edward Cullen
The year is 2006. George W. Bush is still the president. You have the five most recent episodes of Pretty Little Liars saved on your DVR, but you haven’t watched them yet because your dad deleted an episode by accident, and you don’t want to miss something important—but when your friends start talking about recent plot developments, you’ve been nodding along. (“OMG! I know, right?”) Your middle-school librarian asks you if you’re allowed to read Twilight when you try to check it out, and you don’t get the joke, so you laugh. “No, are you?” That’s a good question. No one has ever asked you if you’re allowed to read a book before. You nod, because even if you’ve begun to doubt the truth of your answer, this book has a cool cover. And vampires. You don’t know the cataclysm that lies in wait. You couldn’t. You’re only a tween.
Edward Cullen…. Yes, he had us all fooled. If only we’d had a trusty Subjectively Created Ranking, the Edward vs. Jacob War would have been over before it started. Our fallen Livejournal friendships, never forgotten. We dedicate this review to your memory.
So … how does he stack up? Our experts ran the numbers.
Dependability:
He disappears for large swaths of time, and only reappears when you’re in mortal peril. 2/5 ★★☆☆☆
Affection:
Well, he hasn’t eaten you yet! Unfortunately, he won’t stop telling you how much he wants to eat you, so it’s a bit of a vibe killer. 3/5 ★★★☆☆
Cuddlability:
Literally built like a sculpture. Pretty to look at, but attempts to cuddle will result in bruises. 1/5 ★☆☆☆☆
Charisma
Edward possesses so little charisma that it goes full circle to being charisma again. That haunted stare had America’s 12-year-olds in a death grip. 5/5 ★★★★★
Funness of dates
I’m sure Bella smiles in this series. In fact, she probably smiles when she’s with Edward at some point. Most of the time she looks miserable, though, so I’m going to give him a boring/5. You’d have more fun with Jacob. 🥱☆☆☆☆
Listening/communication skills:
Sure, he can read your mind, but hear me out: He’s 17 years old. Forever. 1/5 ★☆☆☆☆
Emotional intelligence:
Same as above. 1/5 ★☆☆☆☆
Regular intelligence:
Okay, it’s hard not to be well read when you’ve been 17 for 70 years. His poetic voice could use some work, though. 4/5 ★★★★☆
Coolness:
He’s a vampire, which is an automatic 5/5. ★★★★★
Overall: You can do better, queen. He’s lame, and, like, forever.