March 9th, 2023
Humanizing Our PetsThe unsung heroes of the editorial staff of the Driftwood. The true creative power behind the newsletter.
Name and Title: Cass or Cass boy, Driftwood Best Boy (Honorary rank because he’s a dog.)
Ambitions: Being able to sharpen my fox-like hunting skills so I can steal more treats without my mom or tiny leader noticing. So far, I have successfully stolen many dropped McDonald’s French fries, and I even swiped a few chicken nuggets recently (so I KNOW I am getting closer to achieving professional stealth status and reaching that final goal of A WHOLE CHEESEBURGER).Crimes I am not proud of: I was taking an INNOCENT stroll through the woods after my wonderful mom took me off my tie out (she didn’t want me to go inside, did she?), nudging a stick of butter off the counter to take a little nibble, and knocking my tiny leader off the porch when I ran out the door to go play.
Name and Title: Angel, Driftwood Co-Editor-in-Chief & Honorary Calls-It-As-I-See-It SpearheadOwner: Grace DesotellHow well did you take the news that you were adopted? You know, I never really thought of it as being adopted. Hm. One moment, I was laying on a bed of straw with a sniffle; a day or two later, I perked up a bit and realized pillows were better, so I never moved back to the barn. I like to think of it as I adopted my owner, you know?What’s your educational background? I partook in eight weeks of Feral Cat 101 before I flunked out. They said I enjoyed cuddles too much. Their loss.What have you accomplished in your life? Good question. I frustrate my owner through no fault of my own at least every other day, hair up the baby’s seat every day, but it’s been a long time since I scratched up a door frame. I’ll be right back…What are your ambitions? Eat. Sleep. Claw the nicest piece of furniture in the house. Watch the dog steal things that don’t belong to him off the table and stash it in his bed for later. Oops, my owner didn’t know that yet. Sorry not sorry. Better luck next time, Pup.
Name and Title: Smallz, Human Resources DirectorOwner: Aidann WoodcockHow well did you take the news that you were adopted? Wha-what? What do you mean adopted?!What’s your take on rising inflation? Who do you think caused it?What crimes have you committed? Don’t check the backyard.What did the birds do to wrong you? They know what they did. We’ll never forgive them.
Name and Title: Omelette, Driftwood Advisor & Evil MastermindOwner: Tracy Fernandez RysavyWhat have you accomplished in your life? I’ve terrorized my brothers Watson and Fat Kitty into proper submission, trained my humans to give me treats on demand, and have let all and sundry know that the rule of the house is “where I fits, I sits.” If I deign to sit on a human, said human must not move until I am done, and they must rub my belly. This is the way. I also take excellent care of my fur.What are your ambitions? Total world domination. What else?What crimes have you committed? In the words of Machiavelli, “It is better to be feared than loved.” Also, “politics have no relation to morals.” On that scale, I have committed no crimes. Also, my face and my tiny little legs are ridiculously cute, so my humans are always distracted by them into forgiving me.
Name: Marble, Driftwood Fact-Checker and Resident Bad BoyOwner: Ariel Rutten
What’s your educational background? Graduated with a Masters of “Being a Complete @$$hole” in Household and Family Sciences.
What are your ambitions? To see the great outdoors. My owners think that just because I want to immediately come back inside because my paws are cold means I don’t have what it takes to be a great hunter. I’ll prove them wrong, the fools.
What secrets are you hiding from your owner? I puked on her bed when she left for college. I can’t wait to hear her great sigh when she returns. Then, while she’s changing the sheets, I’ll bite her hands! Such a clever and witty game I construct.