The Driftwood #27: The Trash Vortex

The Horror Edition

From lousy acting to over-the-top gore and everything in between, horror is a genre that seems to be a minefield of so bad it’s good trash. You know, the kind that might even be considered comedy. Our staff is very excited to share their selection of unintentionally hilarious horror flicks.

When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Police inspect a crime scene where a babysitter and three children have been murdered, one-hundred or so miles away from where high schooler Jill Johnson lives. A babysitting gig that begins as punishment for exceeding cell phone minutes (hello early 2000s) becomes a lucrative set up when she arrives at the massive home of the wealthy Madrakis family with kids already in bed. Instructed to help herself from their stocked fridge, Jill will bear her punishment well. Soon, the phone rings. When Jill picks up, the caller says nothing, though incessant raspy breathing can be heard, before hanging up. This goes on for a long time, and Jill naturally assumes it’s a prank every time. That is until the nameless voice asks, “Have you checked the children?” Panicked, Jill phones the police who eventually trace the calls from INSIDE THE HOUSE. This is a babysitting nightmare…literally. I remember watching this in theaters when I was in middle school, genuinely feeling spooked as I watched Jill meander through dark corridors with a ringing phone in hand. I do also remember that even then I found the caller’s ceaseless breathing kind of funny. I mean, why was this basically the entire plot? Somehow, I don’t think I’d find it suspenseful today. If you’re not into the scaries like me, then this might be the movie to ironically watch for some mild-mannered fun. Available to stream on Netflix.

—Shannon Ribich, Trash Vortex Editor

The Poltergeist of Borley Forest
The Poltergeist of Borley Forest is a low-budget horror film about a high school senior, Paige, who attends a party in the local haunted woods. She stumbles upon a tree with a rope dangling down from a branch while looking for her ride home. From then on, Paige is trailed by a spirit, claiming that he loves her. Why does he fall in love with Paige at first sight? It’s never explained, but who cares? Not the screenwriter, that’s for sure! The rest of the film focuses on Paige and her friends and family as they try to stop this spirit from hurting anyone. After the spirit brutally attacks Paige’s friend, the rest of the film focuses on Paige and her friends and family as they try to stop him from hurting anyone else. They even left the ending open to a sequel!

This 2012 film checks all the boxes of bad horror movies. Bad acting? There is plenty of it to the point that I wonder how the actors were chosen for their roles in the first place. CGI straight out of the twentieth century? Enough to scare any modern movie enthusiast. Terrible pacing? I don’t think the writer, editor, or director know what that word means. Comical fight and action sequences? Yes, apparently pretending to get thrown across the room by an evil spirit with supernatural powers is really hard to fake, or it was for these actors, at least. Do I still want to recommend this movie to you? Absolutely! It is so fun to pick apart bad films, especially with friends to bounce commentary back and forth with. Watch The Poltergeist of Borley Forest for free on Tubi.

—Serenity Block

Fright Night (1985)

Nothing sucks me into the Trash Vortex like a 1980s vampire film, and the original Fright Night tops the list. When a handsome, mysterious stranger moves into dorky teen Charlie Brewster’s neighborhood, he can’t help but get out his binoculars to spy on the parade of beautiful women that go through the man’s front door. However, it eventually dawns on him that he never sees them come out. Then, one night as he peers through the blinds, he spots the neighbor and his roommate carrying out what looks like a body. And my, what big, sharp teeth the man has.

A fan of the popular late-night horror TV show Fright Night, Charlie immediately wonders if the neighbor is a vampire. (As one does.) He enlists the help of his friend, “Evil Ed” Thompson, who thinks he’s gone insane but still helps him make a list of ways to expose and expunge a vampire. The most important protection, Ed tells him, is that a vampire can’t enter your house unless he’s invited, so Charlie is safe as long as he’s inside. Cue a trip downstairs, where his mother introduces him to Jerry Dandrige, the suspected creature of the night. Charmed by Jerry’s smooth talking, as only a 1980s 40-something female cliché can be, Mrs. Brewster tells him he’s welcome to enter her house “any time, Jerry.” What’s a terrified horror geek to do? Corner local celebrity and Fright Night host Peter Vincent, of course, whose character is a vampire hunter. Because of course that’s his real job, right? Vincent wants nothing to do with Charlie’s terrified ramblings. Until, that is, Charlie’s skeptical girlfriend Amy hires Peter—who is desperately in need of cash due to his show’s impending cancellation—to prove that Jerry is not a vampire, so her guy will shut up already. Problem is, Jerry actually is a vampire, and when Peter’s tests secretly reveal that, it’s up to Charlie and him to put a stake in him before he kills more innocent people.

You know that “bomp-chicka-wow-wow” sound people make when they want to reference X-rated films? That pretty much encompasses the main soundtrack to this campy ’80s classic. The special effects are ridiculous, and the acting is a lesson in scenery chewing, for the most part. But while William Ragsdale’s Charlie is about as exciting as a bowl of vanilla pudding, and Amanda Bearse’s Amy has the voice of a human kazoo, the film is elevated by Chris Sarandon’s slinky, terrifying turn as the vampire Jerry, as well as Roddy Mcdowell’s hapless TV host-turned-actual-vampire hunter Peter Vincent. While this movie received a decent update in 2011 starring Dr. Who‘s David Tennant, nothing beats the original for a trashy good time. Available to rent on Amazon Prime and Vudu. 

—Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Driftwood Advisor