April 15, 2021
Welcome to the Trash Vortex, the entertainment black holes that never fail to suck you in and won’t let go until the trashy, so-bad-it’s-good end.
Trashy Movies from Childhood
Do you have a movie that you used to rave about as a child to your friends? A movie that you just had to watch over and over again? Odds are, if you rewatch that movie as an adult, you’ll laugh and think “How on earth did I ever think this was good?” Here are some of the Driftwood staff’s selections.
Bratz: The Movie: As a group of best friends enter high school for the first time, Yasmin, Cloe, Sasha, and Jade all have the intentions of remaining the closest they’ve ever been while completely owning their presence in high school. However, the principal’s daughter—most popular girl in school—Meredith Dimly, has a system she wants the school to run by, and is not open to change. This system is so effective that as soon as the girls join extracurriculars, they no longer have time for each other and lose touch.
Finally, as their senior year begins, they reconnect and decide the entire school needs a break from the cliques enforced by Meredith. Together, they take the campus by storm by mingling with every clique at the school, to show the importance of being friends with people who have different interests from your own. They face each one of Meredith’s obstacles head-on, as she becomes more enraged by their uniqueness. The four compete in a talent show for a full-ride scholarship to the recipient’s college of choice, and in the process, bring the whole school together.
Released in 2007, Bratz: The Movie is the stereotypical high school film that makes it look like the most important period of your life. The clothing really screams the decade, and the acting is way over the top, but all I can think of when I watch it are fun childhood memories. This movie is the exact thing you would have watched in the early 2000s with your closest friends; everyone in their pajamas, too much sugar in your system, and the annoyingly catchy teeny-bopper songs turned up far too loud for your parents to be satisfied with. Though this movie never has, and never will, win any awards, it sure is fun to reminisce on the nostalgic vibes. Available on Netflix and other streaming platforms.
—Kira Doman, Entertainment Editor
The Karate Kid: When Daniel LaRusso moves from New Jersey to sunny Receda, CA, with his single mom, he feels like a fish out of water from the start. He manages to make a friend—blonde and beautiful Ali Mills—but her ex Johnny Lawrence doesn’t take it well. The two get into a fight over Johnny’s hamhanded attempts to win Ali back, and that’s when Daniel’s face learns that Johnny holds a black belt in karate from the local Cobra Kai dojo. Just as Daniel is about to take one too many blows to the head, the kindly maintenance man from his apartment complex, Mr. Miyagi, steps in and singlehandedly beats back Johnny and three of his black-belt friends.
Daniel begs Mr. Miyagi to teach him karate so he can defend himself, but Mr. Miyagi prefers negotiation to fists whenever possible. He totes Daniel along to the Cobra Kai dojo to talk with karate sensei John Kreese about his students’ violent tendencies. After a few minutes of failed diplomacy, it’s clear that the Cobras get their bully tactics from their teacher and his “strike first, strike hard, no mercy” motto. On the spot, Mr. Miyagi tells the Cobra Kai to lay off Daniel until he can face them at the All-Valley Karate Championship tournament. From there. Mr. Miyagi begins “training” Daniel—if you can call having him wax cars and paint fences training. But while these methods may be unorthodox, it soon becomes clear that Daniel may have a shot at holding his own, if not winning the All-Valley altogether. If, that is, the Cobra Kai don’t fall back on dirty fighting tricks.
While The Karate Kid might be a bit cliché and more languidly-paced than today’s sports-themed films, it’s still worth a watch, especially since it’ll set you up to better appreciate its spectacular, decidedly non-trashy Netflix spinoff series Cobra Kai, with its more nuanced writing and thrilling martial arts scenes. Plus, so many lines from the original have made it into our pop-culture lexicon that it’s almost mandatory viewing if you ever expect to win at ’80s trivia or Jeopardy. Available on AMC+ and to rent on other streaming services.
—Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Driftwood Advisor
Aquamarine: Teenage besties Hailey and Claire are trying to make the most of their last few summer days together before Hailey is forced to leave their small Florida town and move to Australia for her mother’s job. Then, late one night after a violent storm, they discover a shocking surprise in the local beach resort’s swimming pool: a mermaid! Naturally, the girls befriend the mystical creature, Aquamarine, who explains that she left home and has just three days to prove to her father that love exists, or else marry the man he’s handpicked to be her husband. Aqua sets her sights on Raymond, the handsome lifeguard who Hailey and Claire have been crushing on for years, and convinces them to help her get him to fall in love with her by offering them a wish, which they can use to keep Hailey from moving away. Unfortunately for the hopeful trio, a flurry of problems—like the major time-crunch they’re up against; a clique of sabotaging, blonde mean girls; and the slight problem that Aqua’s human legs turn back into a mermaid tail at sunset and if they get wet—means that accomplishing their mission will not be as easy as they’d hoped…
As a young, Ariel-obsessed redhead whose favorite Disney film was The Little Mermaid, this movie was a favorite of mine throughout my childhood, and it’s still one I enjoy watching today. With its predictable plot points, cliché characters, sometimes cringey acting, and ridiculous amounts of drama, Aquamarine certainly earns its spot in the Trash Vortex. But it’s one of those wholesome movies that’s just so bad it’s good, and in my opinion, those are the best kind! Available free on YouTube.
—Mallory Allen