Summer 2020
The Trash Vortex
Several years ago, Entertainment Weekly writer Chris Nashawaty wrote an article about how all of us have our own personal “Trash Vortex”—which is basically your unique list of bad movies that immediately and irrevocably suck you in while you’re channel surfing.
Since many of us will have plenty of time to watch TV over the summer, the Driftwood staff decided to suggest our favorite terrible movies.
Enter … The Driftwood‘s Trash Vortex:
After: After is the definition of a “terrible romance movie” on Netflix, but for some reason, I found myself unable to peel my eyes away from the TV screen while it was on. I mean, it’s expected to be cheesy and to have some bad acting if it’s a Netflix original. Since the first time I decided to give it a chance, I’ve probably watched it at least another three times, just because I really wanted to. I’m still in that teen girl age where those silly romance movies make me wish I had something like that in my life. Yet, every time I watch it, I sit and ask myself, “Why do I keep watching this? The acting is so bad!” But there’s something about the plot that can just make me lose track of time and also help me forget all about the problems in my life. Available on Netflix. —Sierra Adams, News Editor
The Bee Movie: Ah, an internet classic. The Bee Movie is the weirdest, funniest thing to ever involve a bee-based court case, and it’s also my trash vortex movie. I fondly remember rewatching this movie before my senior homecoming with all my friends and family perched in my living room, the adults staring in abject horror and the teenagers giggling to themselves. A paragon of internet memes, The Bee Movie is the type of movie that, when you see it available, you just have to watch it, because, yes, it’s that bad. Available on Netflix. —Cassidy MacArthur
Bloodsport: I can’t even count the number of times I’ve caught this martial arts Jean-Claude Van Damme classic (and I use that term really loosely) on cable in the ‘90s. Even now, the magic of JCVD delivering that flying split-kick thing he does is still an unstoppable siren call on a rainy Sunday afternoon. In fact, once when the title popped up on our channel guide, my husband and I got into a frothing-at-the-mouth double-arm wrestling match over the remote. He wanted to watch some scintillating show about green home design on HGTV, and I, of course, wanted to watch the flying split-kick thing. Tragically, Jose won. Still bitter. Available on Netflix and free on YouTube Movies. —Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Advisor
Napoleon Dynamite: This movie always seems to pull me in no matter what kind of mood I am in or what time of the day it is. Napoleon Dynamite is one of my favorite “terrible movies,” mainly because of the incredibly stupid humor. I personally am a huge fan of comedy movies, but this one hit the nail on the head with its over-the-top stupid comedy. From the cringy one-liners that sink into your mind where you find yourself repeating them in public places, to the immense amount of awkwardness that I, the most AWKWARD human being, can relate to, Napoleon Dynamite is the winner. If you enjoy llamas, tater tots, nostalgic Uncle Rico’s, and awkward school dances followed by multiple LOL’s, check out the 6.9/10-star movie Napoleon Dynamite; you will NOT regret it. Available for rental on Amazon and other platforms. —Breanne Bedgood, Food Editor
That Lifetime Movie Where Connie Sellecca is Flying an Airplane and the Ceiling Rips Off Mid-Flight: This one is also known as Miracle Landing, or the Holy Grail of my Trash Vortex. Long ago, I started watching this one day and was forced to stop before it ended—and as this was B.D. (before DVR), I didn’t have any blank VCR tapes lying around to record the end. Being that it was a Lifetime movie, I figured it would be on ad nauseum, and I’d easily be able to catch the ending. But noooooo, I’ve never been able to find it, and it has left an emptiness in my psyche that nothing else can fill. My soul will not rest until I find out what happened to the flight attendant who was crawling around on all fours clinging to footrests and screaming, “We’re gonna make it!”
Did she make it? Did she? Can you land a plane that doesn’t have a ceiling? Were there any babies in passenger laps when the ceiling ripped off? DEAR GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABIES?!?!
Sometimes, it keeps me awake at night, wondering.
A low-resolution (and probably illegal) version is available on YouTube. —Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Advisor