Driftwood #44: Fun Facts #1

March 29, 2024

April Fools’ Day Facts

  • April Fools iconPerhaps the biggest April Fools’ Day joke of all is that most countries celebrate the holiday, but nobody knows the actual origins of what started the traditional day of tricks. All we know for sure is that now the date of April 1st is a day to celebrate spring and sunshine after the bleakness of winter with harmless pranks.
  • A widespread belief is that April Fools’ Day began in 16th-century France when they switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. This switch changed the first day of the new year to January 1st instead of the previous April 1st. Any person that was still celebrating the new year as April 1st was called a fool.
  • Historians also speculate that April Fools’ Day origins are connected to the vernal equinox, when the sun is directly above the equator, making day and night the exact same length. This is considered the beginning of spring, which is when Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather makes fools of us all.
  • France celebrates Poisson d’Avril, which translates to “April fish.” The most common prank includes sticking a picture of a fish to someone’s back. If you happen to find a fish on your back, someone thinks you were easily caught or gullible.
  • Scotland celebrates April 1st as Huntigowk Day where people are sent on fake errands as pranks. The prankster tasks an unsuspecting person with a deceptive mission—think sending someone for “blinker fluid”—and if they do the task, they are the gowk.
  • Although many countries post fake news stories to celebrate, Sweden newspapers and news outlets will traditionally post one fake story mixed with the actual news. The citizens will have to figure out which is fake and what is the real news.
  • Canada, Australia, and England celebrate the day with traditional pranks with a slight twist to the rules. The prank needs to be completed by noon. If you prank someone after noon, then you are considered a fool. In England, if you successfully prank someone before noon, you are called a noodle.
  • Greek tradition says that if you fool someone on April Fools’ Day, their misfortune becomes your good luck. Also, if Mother Nature provides a rain shower on April 1st, collect as much water as you can because it has healing powers.
  • Saudi Arabia also celebrates April Fools’ Day with pranks, but make sure you do not post them on social media. Under the anti-cyber crime law, any prank posted with or without consent is a crime that is punishable with hefty fines and/or imprisonment.
  • Many countries around the world observe some form of April Fools’ Day, but no country has made the tradition of April 1st pranks an officially recognized holiday
Tiffany Jablonowski
Sources: 
Al-Kinani, Mohammed. “Illegal Pranksters Face Severe Penalties in Saudi Arabia.” Arab News, 10 Sept. 2022. www.arabnews.com/node/2160051/saudi-arabia. Accessed 12 Mar. 2024.

Bruno, Audrey. “For Your Pranking Inspiration: April Fools’ Day Traditions from 9 Countries.” AFAR, 29 Mar. 2018, www.afar.com/magazine/for-your-pranking-inspiration-april-fools-day-traditions-from-9-countries. Accessed 12 Mar. 2024.

Onion, Amanda, et al. “April Fools’ Day.” HISTORY, A&E Television Networks, 30 Mar. 2017, www.history.com/topics/holidays/april-fools-day. Accessed 12 Mar. 2024.
“26 Fun Facts about April Fool Pranks and Laughter.” Amazing Facts Home, 24 Nov. 2023, www.amazingfactshome.com/fun-facts-about-april-fool/. Accessed 12 Mar. 2024.

Driftwood #43: Fun Facts #1

March 8, 2024

Easter Facts

  • Easter does not have a set date because the church never recorded the exact date of Jesus’s resurrection. In 325 A.D., the celebration for Easter was set as the first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring equinox by the council of Nicaea. This is the reason that Easter day ends up anywhere between March 22 and April 25th.
  • The church forbade eating eggs during Lent (the 40 days before Easter) until the 16th century. The eggs represent new life and rebirth, so people saved all eggs laid during Lent and painted them to serve as decoration until the fast was over. On Easter Sunday, the family would have a feast that included the eggs in celebration of the rebirth of Jesus.
  • A lost tradition in churches is egg-tossing during the Easter Vigil which takes place on the night of Holy Saturday. The priest would throw an egg to a choirboy, and the choirboys would toss it to each other around the church. Whoever was still holding it at midnight would get to keep it.
  • During the 16th century, children in Scotland and Northern England would go door to door reciting rhymes for eggs, cheese, and bacon to add to their family’s Easter feasts.
  • cascaronesCascarones are an alternative to the popular dyed hard-boiled eggs. Originating in China, cascarones are believed to have been brought by Marco Polo to Spain and then to the Americas. In the lower United States and Mexico, the insides of the eggs are removed from the shell by making and then blowing through a small hole in the bottom. Once cleaned, the eggshell is painted, filled with confetti, and sealed with tissue paper. On Easter day, it is tradition to smash the cascarones over people’s heads to give them luck, and it is also considered a sign of affection.
  • An old superstition stated that you needed to wear new clothes on Easter to have good luck for the rest of the year. New Yorkers would walk along the streets to show off their new clothes after mass. This is believed to be the beginning of the New York Easter parade.
  • Each year, 90 million chocolate bunnies are produced in a variety of flavors. No matter the flavor, 89% of Americans eat their bunnies’ ears first. Only 9% will go for the tails or feet first.
  • The world’s largest chocolate egg was made in Italy measuring 34 ft high and 15,873 lbs., but the most expensive chocolate bunny ever made cost $49,000.00. Besides the 548,000 calories of chocolate, the bunny had a pair of 1.07 carat diamonds for eyes. This hare stood about a foot tall and weighed about 11 lbs.
  • Peeps yellow bunniesAmerican’s each Easter buy more than 700 million Peeps. In 1953, this would have been impossible to keep up with demand because it took 27 hours to make one Peep, but now they have the process down to just six minutes a Peep.
  • Although people may say that Peeps last forever, they have been scientifically proven to only have a two-year shelf life.
  • Jellybeans became a popular Easter candy around 1914 because World War I made eggs harder to get. The chewy candies were a great substitute on the Easter table because of their resemblance to colorful Easter eggs. Americans consume roughly 16 billion jellybeans each Easter, with cherry being the most popular flavor among children.
Tiffany Jablonowski
Top photo of cascarones from My Mercado Mexican Imports. Bottom photo from Peeps Brand
Sources: 
  • Blyde, Braden. “7 Surprising Facts about Chocolate Easter Eggs.” Signs of the Times, Seventh-Day Adventist Church, 11 Apr. 2022, signsofthetimes.org.au/2022/04/7-surprising-facts-about-chocolate-easter-eggs/. Accessed 28 Feb. 2024.
  • “A Brief History of Cascarones.” Mommy Maestra, 21 Apr. 2011,www.mommymaestra.com/2011/04/brief-history-of-cascarones.html. Accessed 28 Feb. 2024.
  • Clark, Casey. “10 Fun Facts about Easter Candy You Didn’t Know.” SpoonUniversity, 30 Apr. 2021, spoonuniversity.com/lifestyle/18-easter-basket-goodies-you-need-this-spring. Accessed 27Feb. 2024.
  • Fairchild, Mary. “Find out Why the Date of Easter Changes Every Year.” Dotdash Meredith, 15 May 2019, www.learnreligions.com/date-of-easter-change-every-year-700670. Accessed 28 Feb. 2024.
  • Smith McDonough, Lauren, et al. “25 Funny and Unexpected Trivia Facts about Easter.” Hearst Magazine Media, 9 Mar. 2023, www.housebeautiful.com/entertaining/holidays-celebrations/g3323/easter-interesting-facts/. Accessed 28 Feb. 2024.
  • “The World’s Most Expensive Easter Bunny Also Has 548,000 Calories.” Huff Post, 25 Mar. 2015, www.huffpost.com/archive/ca/entry/the-worlds-most-expensive-easter-bunny-also-has-548-000-calorie_n_6939530.  Accessed 28 Feb. 2024.

The Driftwood #42: Fun Facts #1

March 1, 2024

Fun St. Patrick’s Day Facts

  • St. Patrick in stained glassSt. Patrick was not born in Ireland and Patrick was not his given name. His birth name was Maewyn Succat, and his home country was Britannia (Roman Britain).
  • St. Patrick was kidnapped by Irish raiders when he was 16 years old and sold into slavery. It took six years before he was able to escape back to Britain. St. Patrick credited the years spent in slavery with restoring his faith in Christianity.
  • St. Patrick is credited with banishing all the snakes from Ireland, but scientific evidence (fossils found on the island, and the inability of snakes to swim to the shores) shows that snakes never inhabited Ireland. Instead, there is a common belief that the snakes in Irish lore are meant to symbolize banishing the Pagans and spreading Christianity.
  • St. Patrick’s Day was originally a religious holiday to acknowledge the spread of Christianity in Ireland. After the emigration of nearly two million Irish to America, the holiday became more a celebration of Irish pride then Christianity.
  • St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated in Ireland with a feast of ham or pork with cabbage instead of the American traditional feast of corned beef and cabbage. The potato famine of 1845, an outbreak of mold that crippled potato crops leading to almost a million Irish dying of starvation, caused about a million Irish natives to come to America. They were extremely poor and could only afford the cheaper substitute of corned beef, which had to be boiled twice on its own before the final third time with cabbage to combat the briny taste of the meat.
  • St. Patrick was originally represented not by green but by blue, more specifically the color known as “St. Patrick’s blue.” The blue was to honor the royal crown as well as ancient Irish flags. Green did not become the official color of St. Patrick’s Day until 1798.
  • St. Patrick’s Day is symbolized with shamrocks because people believe that St. Patrick used the shamrock to teach about the Holy Trinity.
  • St. Patrick’s Day is honored with parades across many countries. In the United States, an estimated 100 parades take place, including one in Arkansas that holds the world record for the shortest parade being only 98 feet long.
  • St. Patrick’s Day is not observed on March 17th if the Holy Week (the week before Easter) lands on the 17th. The holiday was celebrated on April 3rd when this happened in 1940. In 2008, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated on March 15th. The holiday will not fall on Holy Week again until the year 2160.
  • St. Patrick’s Day and Leprechauns have been said to go hand in hand. The leprechaun is a fairy that is part of Tuatha Dé Danann, a group of magical beings who served the goddess Danu, believed to have lived in Ireland long before it was inhabited by humans. Early accounts describe them as wearing red coats (not green), and a variety of hats that were three cornered (instead of the top hat). They are also thought to be tricky, grouchy, and above all solitary.
Tiffany Jablonowski

Photo licensed under Creative Commons CC BY-SA 4.0. Photo by Nheyob.
Sources: 
Cohen, Jennie. “St. Patrick’s Day Legends and Myths Debunked.” History, A&E Television Networks, 16 Mar. 2012, www.history.com/news/st-patricks-day-myths-debunked. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.
“15 Things You Probably Didn’t Know about Leprechauns.” Mental Floss, 17 Mar. 2022, www.mentalfloss.com/article/62173/15-lucky-things-you-probably-didnt-know-about-leprechauns. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.
Onion, Amanda, et al., editors. “7 Surprising Facts about St. Patrick’s Day.” History, A&E Television Networks, 16 Mar. 2020, www.history.com/news/st-patricks-day-facts. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.
Sanger, Erika. “10 Bizarre Facts about St. Patrick You Never Knew.” Ireland Before You Die, 26 Feb. 2019, www.irelandbeforeyoudie.com/10-facts-about-st-patrick-you-never-knew/. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.
“30 Amazing Facts about St. Patrick’s Day.” The Factfile, 10 May 2021, thefactfile.org/st-patricks-day-facts/. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.

The Driftwood #42: Sports Center

March 1, 2024

March Madness: What You Need to Know

March Madness basketballMarch Madness is coming around the corner. We should check and see how these college teams are doing.What is March Madness?March Madness is the yearly college basketball tournament held by the NCAA that spans from mid-March to early April. The tournament began with eight teams playing against one another in 1939, where Oregon beat Ohio State to take home the first tournament title. Over the years, it grew from an eight-team event to 16 in 1951. In 1975, it doubled to 32 before doubling again to 64 in 1985. Currently, 68 teams make it into the tournament with eight teams participating in play-in games to make the official first-round field of 64. (Play-in games are games you must win to get to the tournament and have to keep winning to move on. If a team loses two in a row, they’re out of the running) Learn more about the history of March Madness hereCollege Sports Scores For the Big Ten Conference (includes Madison)Wed, Feb 7th– Michigan beat Wisconsin 72 – 68– Northwestern beat Nebraska 80 – 68Thu, Feb 8th– Penn State beat Iowa 89 – 79

Sat, Feb 10th– Purdue beat Indiana 79 – 59– Michigan State beat Illinois 88 – 80– Rutgers beat Wisconsin 78 – 56– Ohio State beat Maryland in double overtime 79 – 75– Nebraska beat Michigan 79 – 59Sun, Feb 11th– Iowa beat Minnesota 90 – 85– Northwestern beat Penn State 68 – 63Tue, Feb 13th– Michigan beat Illinois. 97 – 68– Wisconsin beat Ohio State 62 – 54Wed, Feb 14th– Maryland beat Iowa. 78 – 66– Michigan State beat Penn State 80 – 72Thu, Feb 15th– Purdue beat Minnesota 84 – 76– Rutgers beat Northwestern 63 – 60How Teams Qualify for March MadnessCollege basketball teams can qualify for the March Madness Tournament by earning the automatic qualifying bid that is given to each conference. The winner of the conference tournament earns a right to the NCAA Tournament. After all the automatic bids are handed out, a selection committee fills out the rest of the field with deserving teams. After 32 teams earn automatic spots by winning conference tournaments, the NCAA Tournament selection committee convenes on Selection Sunday to decide on 36 teams that will earn at- large berths to round out the field of 68.2024 March Madness Predictions for Big Ten TeamsThe Purdue Boilermakers are locked to reach the NCAA Tournament and could wind up with the No. 1 overall seed. The No. 2-ranked Boilermakers have a 23-3 record, including 12-3 in Big Ten play. The Illinois Fighting Illini and the Wisconsin Badgers also appear to be locks to reach March Madness. The No. 14-ranked Fighting Illini are 19-6 and 10-4 in conference play, while the No. 20-ranked Badgers are 17-9 and 9-6 in Big Ten play. While the Michigan State Spartans have not entered the AP Top 25 Poll since November, they should once again reach the postseason, as they are 17-9 and 9-6 in the conference. The Northwestern Wildcats and Nebraska Cornhuskers also seem highly likely to qualify for March Madness. While both teams are 18-8, the Wildcats are 9-6 in Big Ten Play, while the Cornhuskers are 8-7.To see more scores and updates on the Big Ten, click here.

—Mackenzie Hebert, Sports Editor

The Driftwood #41: February 9, 2024

News, Events, and Happenings on the Marinette Campus

The Driftwood is our student-centered e-newsletter for the Marinette campus. We’ll bring you tips for navigating life as an on-campus or online student, as well as entertainment suggestions.

February 9, 2024 Contents

The Driftwood is published by UWGB’s ENG 224: Practicum in Literary Publishing class.

Sasha Bouyear: Trash Vortex Editor
Kayu Brooks: Music and TV Editor
Kana Coonce: Wandering Wikipedia Editor
Mackenzie Hebert: Sports Editor
Tiffany Jablonowski:  Local Events Editor
Ginger Knauer: Horoscopes Editor
Logan Meek: Nature and Podcasts Editor
Jalaine Olks: Books Editor
Payton Rhyner: Movies Editor
Cheyenne Schreiner: Self-Care Editor
Kelsey Vanderpool: YouTube Rabbit Hole Editor
Gage Wilson: Anime and Video Games Editor

Driftwood Advisor: Tracy Fernandez Rysavy

Interested in being on the Driftwood and Northern Lights staff? Enroll in ENG 224: Practicum in Literary Publishing, available every spring. (Provides a Fine Arts general education credit.)

Questions or News Items? Contact The Driftwood‘s advisor, Tracy Fernandez Rysavy.

The Driftwood #41: Campus Services #1

February 9, 2024

Library Services Still Available for Marinette Students

library logoEven though our campus library has closed, students are still able to access library services–and you won’t have to drive to the Green Bay campus to do so. Here’s a brief list of what you can get through the UWGB library:

  • Research help: To access research assistance, visit the online Library Research Guide or call the research desk at 920/465-2540. You can also use the “Chat with a Librarian” e-chat feature. Just click on the chat pop-up on any library website page.
  • E-books and digital articles: 88% of the library’s collection is available digitally. Log into the library website and click the “Available online” checkbox in the Search@UW field, and enter your search terms to see what’s available.
  • Laptop and mobile hotspot checkout: If you need a laptop or a signal-boosting mobile hotspot for the semester, you may still check one out from the library. E-mail the circulation department (circdept@uwgb.edu) or call 920/465-2540, and the librarians will make arrangements to get one to you here in Marinette. You may also pick them up at the Green Bay or Sheboygan campus libraries if you’re nearby.
  • Citation help: Need help citing your sources in MLA or APA format? The library’s citation guide can help! You might also try the NoodleTools online tool, free through the library with your UWGB login.
  • Other questions: If you need help with any other library-related question, contact the Green Bay campus librarians via chat on the website, e-mail, or phone (920/465-2540).

The Driftwood #43: The Trash Vortex

You’ve reached the place where all the bad, but oh-so-satisfying entertainment exists. Here, in the Trash Vortex, we provide you with only the trashiest, most bingeworthy recommendations. It’s a dark hole you won’t escape!

Trashy Female Superhero Movies

Some 20 years ago, comic book-inspired films found their footing, expanding further into cultural staples like 2008’s The Dark Knight and Iron Man. Before them? Outside the exceptional few, such as X-Men (2000) and Spider-Man (2002), the world had a rather … different lineup of superheroes than the household names we’ve come to embrace.

Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman posterAward-winning actress Halle Berry of X-Men fame plays a revived graphic designer-turned-literal Catwoman who’s … clearly meant to be the supposed DC Comics antihero. Probably in the same way Frankenstein-ing some two to three crosscuts in five seconds flat is supposed to be “fast-paced,” or that handwriting analysis is supposed to predict your personality. It’s almost captivating to watch a movie trip over itself at every opportunity, at every ideaall in service of a “creative vision” that should never be left five feet within a woman nor a pleather catsuit ever again.

Caution: I’d be remiss not to issue an epilepsy warning, partly due to the film’s overediting and select scenes of flashing lights.

Fantastic Four (2005)

Fantastic Four posterGiven these superheroes’ history of lackluster film adaptions, Tim Story’s was certainly no different. Its characterization-first approach and rather pitch-perfect cast softens the bare-bones plot, allowing a poignant look into othering and disability via the Thing; otherwise, the film struggles to innovate outside just fulfilling an archetypal superhero origins story. Expect a circa-2005 approximation of human interaction, Chris Evans’s most punchable performance known to man, and a whole lot of cheese.
—Sasha Bouyear, Trash Vortex Editor
Elektra (2005)

Elektra posterBack in the early 2000s, Hollywood finally decided to give women a shot at starring in a superhero film. Having had my fill of various Superman and Batman incarnations, I eagerly anticipated Elektra, starring Jennifer Garner. At the time, Garner was the up-and-coming star of the popular Alias TV show, playing spy and mistress-of-disguise Sydney Bristow. With biceps even Angela Basset might envy and a flair for elegantly lethal fight choreography, Garner seemed like the perfect person to show that women could headline a blockbuster action franchise.

The problem was, the script they gave her was so bad, my cats would probably balk if I lined their litterbox with it. In fact, I’ve mentally blocked Elektra‘s plot beyond the barest details, and I can’t bring myself to watch again, even for the sake of modeling good journalism. So I’m relying on an IMDB summary to let you know that the film centers on skilled martial artist Elektra Natchios, who was killed in the 2003 film Daredevil but is here resurrected by Stick, her blind martial arts guru. But Elektra can’t let go of her Batman-style anger over witnessing her mother’s murder, so Stick banishes her from training, though she’s been with him long enough to foster an ability to see short glimpses of the future, which give her an edge in combat. She becomes a contract killer, and we rejoin her as she receives a summons from her agent, who directs her to spend a few days on a random island, where the person who is hiring her will eventually reveal her assassination targets. Why the wait? We don’t know. Some time on the beach might be great for Elektraafter all, a girl needs a break from murder-for-hire from time to time. But it’s deathly boring for the audience. What follows is a messy plot involving juvenile pickpockets, astral projection, some dude named Mark, and a group of men with stupid names like “Typhoid” and “Tattoo,” because apparently naming their martial arts master “Stick” wasn’t enough for the screenwriters.

What makes me salty is that between the colossal failure that was the equally ridiculous Catwoman (see Sasha’s review, above) and this giant flop of a film, Hollywood decided that “women can’t headline superhero movies.” No. These two films only proved that even a future Golden Globe- and a future Oscar-winner couldn’t salvage terrible scripts that would have been vastly improved by sending them through a paper shredder and randomly reassembling the pieces. It wouldn’t be until 2018’s record-breaking Wonder Woman that director Patti Jenkins would be able to demonstrate the error in this patriarchal logic, with a film that added the all-important killer script and stunning action sequences to the solid acting.

Sadly, Garner’s career never really recovered. Although she received a People’s Choice Award for favorite action-movie actress for Elektra, she was relegated to playing two-dimensional soccer moms for years after Alias ended its run in 2006. However, Garner is due to embrace her right to bare arms and reprise her role as Elektra in Deadpool & Wolverine, coming out later this year. Here’s hoping these writers give her something better to work with, or at least something we can hate-watch without accidentally slipping into a boredom coma.

—Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Driftwood Advisor

The Driftwood #43: Podcast Picks

A Podcast for Procrastinating Writers
Writing Excuses

podcast iconOne of the most significant barriers to embracing podcasts is time. A platform dedicated to hour-long discussions often requires a buy-in, such as an already-established personality or popular topic. Writing Excuses is therein unique; first for its brevity (15 minutes or less, or so the podcast promises) and, secondly, as the jumping-off point for several acclaimed hosts, including Mistborn and The Stormlight Archive author Brandon Sanderson and The Calculating Stars author Mary Robinette Kowal.

The moment with Season 7 of its 19-season run that introduces writing prompts for its listeners is where most agree the show really comes into its own. It, alongside interviews with other industry professionals and discussions of everything about writing and publishing, makes it a staple for aspiring authors.
—Sasha Bouyear

The Driftwood #43: Video Games

The Universim
The Universism logoThe Universim is not an outstanding game, and it is certainly not a bad game. It is a city-building game, it is a god game, it is a planet-settling game. It is the space stage of Spore with more flesh and new mechanics. It is a calm and leisurely game with obstacles to keep it interesting. At times, it is a thought-provoking game or a mindless game. It is a shallow yet wide river. But most of all, it’s $30 and provides about 30 hours of entertainment.

Like any city-building game, you will place buildings, they will be built, they will function. You unlock new buildings and recipes as you progress. The Universim is fairly simple in this regard. You will have a few godly powers like spawning rain clouds or healing. Much of the game is sitting around, watching as your people execute your plans, using your godly powers if ever necessary. At the end of the game, you will be settling new planets to pillage their natural resources.

What I found particularly interesting was the concept of no longer being needed. My people no longer needed me to put out their fires, smite the wicked, and heal the sick; technology allowed them to do that themselves. Thus, they started to lose faith. They could even plan their cities by themselves once they formed a government. They no longer needed me, so I just watched them at 2x speed.

It is a fun game, I suppose; I always wanted to play just a bit longer. I ended my playthrough with a total of 33.8 hours, but at 30 hours, I believe I had had enough of the game, and it became a marathon to the finish line. I would recommend this game to people who like city-builders, but I would also recommend they pay no more than $24 for it. Get it on sale.
—Gage Wilson, Video Games Editor

The Driftwood #43: The Book Bachelor

For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….

The Book Bachelor: Aragorn, Son of Arathorn

Aragorn Blingee imageOkay, so you didn’t actually get around to reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy until, like, college, but you’ve always liked the movies, right? While Sam and Frodo are off sobbing and stumbling over rocks in Mordor, Aragorn is … well, you guess he’s doing everything else. You didn’t quite follow the trajectory of his journey, but it didn’t really matter, because he looked so cool doing … whatever it was he was doing. Whose army is that again? You couldn’t really hear the dialogue over the plane, and besides, they probably didn’t include the scene where they explain it in the theatrical cut included on your in-flight entertainment, anyway. Doesn’t matter! Aragorn brought a bunch of ghosts, so it’s fine now. Wait, ghosts? Doesn’t matter. It’s cool. Go Aragorn!

Sure, you were always more of a Legolas guy as a kid, but every kid is a Legolas guy. He’s the most effective advertisement for archery lessons ever written. (What level of archery mastery do you need to reach before you get the elf ears…?) As a single and ready to mingle adult, though? Well, muttering cryptically while gazing off into the distance is probably somebody’s thing, right? (Author’s note: Legolas never married. Historians say that he and Gimli, whom he invited along to the Undying Lands, were very good friends.) No, your sensibilities have matured. You need a suitor with personality to match. You need

The doors bang open. It’s him. The one true king. Aragorn. Wow, was he always this sexy, or are you just jet-lagged?

Dependability:
He disappears for long stretches, leaving his allies to brave the terrors of the realm without him … but he always shows up just in the nick of time. ★★★★☆

Affection:
If his speeches about the power of his bonds and his smoldering gaze are any indicator, he’s got affection in spades. Unfortunately, he takes a little while to open up. ★★★★☆

Cuddlability:
I’ll give him another star when you can tell me the last time he has showered. ★★☆☆☆

Charisma:
Sure, a king is kind of obligated to be charismatic, but Aragorn is physically incapable of delivering a lame speech. Who else could rally a ghost army to fight the forces of darkness? ★★★★★

Funness of dates:
Okay, only being able to communicate in speeches has its drawbacks. If anyone deserves a safe, fated romance, it’s him, but while he’s doing that, I’m gonna be taking a bathroom break. ★★☆☆☆

Listening/communication skills:
Name another man in this series who treats every woman he encounters as an equal. Granted, he only speaks to, like, three women, but I bet there would be more if Aragorn had written Lord of the Rings instead. ★★★★☆

Intelligence:
He knows his stuff, but he’s no Gandalf. ★★★☆☆

Coolness:
Sword? Check. Exiled king? Check. Respecting women? Check. The only thing that could make Aragorn cooler is his own ring of power … not that he’d accept it. ★★★★★

Overall:
If he’s good enough for Arwen to give up her immortality, he’s good enough for me. ★★★★★

—Kana Coonce, Bachelor Editor
Photo: Blingee shareable image by lorien elf.