The Quill

Happy April Fools’, everybody! In the spirit of the holiday, this week’s quiz needed to be something silly. The issue there is that these quizzes are always silly — this one needed something more to up the joke factor. So, why not focus on some iconic jokesters? Apologies in advance to my friends out there with a fear of clowns, but this time around, you’ll find out what type of clown vibes you’re exuding! From rodeo clowns to killer clowns, there’s a surprising number of variations of these guys — which are you? Answer the questions below and tally up your score to find out! 
 
(Don’t worry, I’m not pulling your leg. There really are results at the end of this quiz — pinky swear!) 

1. What’s your zodiac sign?

a.) Water — Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio (+0)
b.) Earth — Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn (+1)
c.) Air — Libra, Aquarius, Gemini (+2)
d.) Fire — Aries, Leo, Sagittarius (+3)

2. How many pets do you have?

a.) Zero (+0)
b.) One (+1)
c.) Two (+2)
d.) Three or more (+3)

3. What do you want for breakfast?

a.) Waffles (+0)
b.) Eggs and bacon (+1)
c.) Breakfast sandwich (+2)
d.) Pancakes (+3)

4. What social media app do you use the most?

a.) TikTok (+0)
b.) Instagram (+1)
c.) Facebook (+2)
d.) Other/None (+3)

5. What are your opinions on the herb cilantro?

a.) It tastes delicious (+0)
b.) It tastes like soap (+1)
c.) It doesn’t taste like soap, but I dislike it anyway (+2)
d.) I’ve never tried it (+3)

6. Which starter Pokémon do you choose?

a.) Bulbasaur (+0)
b.) Squirtle (+1)
c.) Charmander (+2)
d.) What’s a Pokémon? (+3)

7. What kind of phone do you have?

a.) Samsung (+0)
b.) Apple (+1)
c.) Google (+2)
d.) Other/None (+3)

8. What’s your typical pajama combo?

a.)  Shirt + pants (+0)
b.)  Shirt + no pants (+1)
c.)  No shirt + pants (+2)
d.)  No shirt + no pants (+3)

9. Which dessert are you ordering?

a.) Ice cream sundae (+0)
b.) Pie (+1)
c.) Cheesecake (+2)
d.) Chocolate cake (+3)

10. Pick a famous clown!

a.) The Joker (+0)
b.) Krusty the Clown (+1)
c.) Pennywise (+2)
d.) Ronald McDonald (+3)

Add up your points. Your total decides your results!

0-6: The Rodeo Clown

You’re the kind of clown that takes multitasking to the extreme. Somehow, you can pull off entertaining an audience while simultaneously protecting bull riders from getting injured after being bucked off. How do you pull off both of those things at once? You distract the bull, of course — in all your brightly colored and noisy glory! I seriously commend you for your bravery. You have to put up with a lot of B.S. out there … get it?

7-12: The Circus Clown

Ah, the classic clown — truly iconic. You’re pretty much the blueprint of the lovable, quirky klutz trope. Like all clowns, you may be the stuff of some people’s nightmares, but all in all, you’re just a silly character looking to get some laughs. Not to mention the dedication to eco-friendly transportation is admirable — how do you fit so many people in one carpool?

13-18: The Mime

There isn’t much to say about the mime — haha, get it? You move in silence, being one of the most entertaining clown types with just your expert body movement. The ability to tell a story with just one person and zero words makes you truly a master of performing. You also have quite the eye for color schemes with that classic black and white outfit. I must ask, though: will you ever get out of that box? I’m starting to get worried.

19-25: The Killer Clown

Arguably the most beloved clown of cinema, you can strike fear into even those withoutcoulrophobia. This category in itself is quite the umbrella, whether you’re more like The Joker from Batman, Pennywise from IT, or Art from Terrifier is up to you. Are you a spooky, smiling, silent stalker, or does your maniacal laugh send chills down the spines of people walking alone at night? One thing is for sure, this buffoon is out for blood!

During World War II, in the English countryside, in the house of Kirke, through the spare room’s wardrobe, you’ll find the gateway —  entrance to a fantastical, wintery, glistening, snowy-white town called Narnia! Only here will you find mythical creatures living in a season of everlasting winter. When you visit, you will rub elbows with the likes of centaurs and fauns, giant dwarves, witches, lions, beavers, and other talking animals!

Grab your winter coat and head towards the lamppost, the first place you must visit when you arrive in Narnia! Of course, you must know, you might cross paths with Mr. Tumnus here. Use caution as he comes across as a kind faun with what hasa been described as a strange but pleasant face; however, he has been seen palling around with the White Witch, Jadis.

Your next Narnian stop should be to see Mr. Beaver, a most amazing builder of the dams! Mr. and Mrs. Beaver enjoy hosting guests, likely offering up tea and biscuits before giving you a firsthand tour of the dams.

Another interesting place to visit is the Wild Lands of the North. Even though this is where Jadis lives, you should be safe, provided you don’t eat the Turkish Delight! Surrounded by rivers and seas, mountains, high hills, arctic tundra, and a moat, you can take a tour of the castle, House of Harfang, guided by a giant, or, if you prefer, a self-guided tour.

The last stop on our must-see places of Narnia tour must be Aslan’s Country. Aslan (the Turkish word for “lion”) himself will take you on a safari through the country. He will show you the evergreen trees surrounded by kind and curious creatures. He will run with you across the rolling emerald hills or lay with you on a blanket of flowers in a field of lush, thick grass. Together, you can look up into the vibrant blue sky and stare into fluffy white clouds until they transform into the shapes of animals. If you are lucky, he will take you to meet his father, Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea.

Narnia is sure to be a magical addition to your vacation bucket list, with countless places to explore. Your trip to Narnia will be so unbelievable that you’ll need proof you were there!

He’s big. He’s green. No, he’s not the Hulk, but he is the hunk! Say hello to the ogre who will make all your romance wishes come true! On this lovely first day of April, how will the legendary Shrek score on the dateability rankings? Keep reading to see!

Complexity: ★★★★★

Shrek is one complex and deep character. As he says, “Ogres are like onions… We both have layers.”

Looks: ★★★★★

He has a smile that could light up a room, big brown eyes, and the shiniest forehead. What’s not to love?

Romance: ★★★★★

Do you believe in true love? Well if you don’t, Shrek will surely change that!

Home Ownership: ★★★★★

Shrek owns a beautiful home surrounded by abundant nature. Every time you wake up, you’ll look out the window and see the most wonderful swamp you have ever laid your eyes on.

Heroism: ★★★★★

Shrek is an extraordinary hero who has accomplished amazing feats, as seen in all the Shrek movies. If a princess needs saving, Shrek is the guy for the job.

Availability: ☆☆☆☆☆

Oh, he’s married? With kids?! … That’s unfortunate.

Dateability:★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Oh, my! It looks like Shrek sent our dateability scores through the roof! He really is the perfect man! It’s too bad Fiona has robbed us of the chance to date him!

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Have you ever watched Nickelodeon’s critically acclaimed 2005 animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender and thought to yourself, “Boy, this sure is garbage! It would be so much better if it were live-action!” Well, you and me both! How that cheesy cesspool of amazing character development and masterful worldbuilding ever reached our TV screens is beyond me. I mean, don’t the executives at Nickelodeon have any idea what people enjoy in stories? But never fear, for not all is lost! In 2010, film director M. Night Shyamalan took on the difficult task of turning garbage to gold with his live-action remake, The Last Airbender.

Masterfully summarizing the events of the show’s first season (in which protagonist Aang travels to the North Pole alongside his friends to learn the art of waterbending), this film is an Avatar hater’s fever dream. A heavy emphasis on bad acting? Changing the pronunciation of protagonist Aang’s name to “Ong”? Whitewashing the cast to remove all sense of cultural representation? The Last Airbender succeeds in accomplishing all of those, correcting the inexcusable mistakes that were made in the original. It has stood the test of time for nearly 15 years. It is no exaggeration to call this work of art the magnum opus of the human species, overshadowing any and all works that have preceded it by several miles.

There is no comparison to be made: M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender is the GOAT of the entertainment industry, and naysayers shall be shunned until the end of time. As a matter of fact, this film was so good that the geniuses at Nickelodeon decided to scrap all plans for a sequel, to end the series on the highest possible note. Naturally, this decision sparked heated discussions amongst the Avatar fandom. Why would the studio throw away such easy money? How could they rob the fans of such a promising, and arguably perfect, film trilogy?

Unfortunately, the natural order of the universe simply hasn’t been the same since this groundbreaking decision was made. Clueless souls have attempted, and ultimately failed, to replicate the sheer success of the 2010 masterpiece, such as the more recent Netflix adaptation. But both critics and casual viewers alike have dragged that hollow bid at a cash grab, and rightfully so. How dare they cast actors who accurately represent the ethnic background of their animated counterparts. How dare they strive for acting that is anything but soulless and uninspired? And lastly, how dare they pronounce the name of Aang, a character whose name has been heard by millions for two decades, any differently than the improved pronunciation in 2010? The audacity of these studio executives is unbelievable! We can only hope that someday, lightning will strike twice, and another flawless adaptation of a criminally flawed series will grace our television screens.

Wow, that was tough to write. Happy April Fools’, everyone!

Happily N’Ever After (2006)

Critics hate it; weirdos love it. Happily N’Ever After (2006) was another movie that went platinum in my house. This animated film is a reimagined Cinderella story from the perspective of Prince Charming’s servant, Rick (Freddie Prinze Jr.), who mostly works in the castle’s kitchen. Right away, Rick shows his distaste for Prince Charming (Patrick Warburton) and annoyance at others, like Cinderella (Sarah Michelle Geller), due to their obedience to following the usual storyline of their fairytale. Though often irritated at Cinderella, Rick’s crush on her is still strong, even if he knows there’s zero chance of anything happening. That is, until the Wizard (George Carlin) heads out on a golf trip, leaving his two helpers Mambo (Andy Dick) and Munk (Wallace Shawn) with the task of guarding FairyTale Land and keeping the scale of good and evil from being tampered with.

The film follows a lot of the usual storylines people know: Cinderella gets invited to the ball, and her evil stepmother Frieda (Sigourney Weaver) and stepsisters torment her before leaving her home. It starts deviating from the usual structure as we meet Fairy Godmother (Lisa Kaplan), who shows up, name drops a few other fairytale characters in this world, and helps Cinderella get ready for the ball. With this switch in storytelling, we are also given a chance to see Prince Charming’s character a bit more. He’s beloved by all, as per usual in retellings, but because we get his story from Rick’s perspective, we are shown how empty-headed Charming is as he reads from a book about his life for short, quick reminders of how he’s supposed to act and what to do.

As for the two unknown characters Mambo and Munk, we finally see them again when Cinderella arrives at the ball, in the same castle as each other, mind you. As Mambo and Munk look into the glass that shows each fairytale in current time, Frieda breaks in, sending the two away before she takes control of the scale, turning it to evil and watching different fairy tales fall apart and change. Now in control of the fairy tales, she ruins her stepdaughter Cinderella’s story by changing her back to her servant clothes early and sending an army of fairy tale bad guys after her, giving Rick his opportunity to save the day.

As the story nears the end, Mambo and Munk stumble upon Cinderella first, and the trio is saved from attacks by Rick, leading to the audience getting to watch a short-lived montage of Cinderella realizing that she loves Rick and not the Prince, breaking out of the mold Rick despised. After three minutes of screentime together though, Cinderella is captured. Rick, Mambo, and Munk go to save her, but things once again shift from the original story. Instead, Cinderella decks Frieda, sending her through a portal and saving the day. After all seven minutes of screen time Rick and Cinderella had together, the two get married, and everything else is restored to the balance of good and evil just in time before the Wizard returns from his golf trip. Is this one of the best reimagined Cinderella stories? It’s questionable, but trust me, back in the early 2000’s, this was fire.

Available on YouTube.

The Women

The Women (2008) is a comedy-drama that my mother and I settled on after trying to find something interesting to watch together. The film follows Mary Haines, a wealthy fashion designer and mother, along with her group of friends, as she experiences betrayal in her relationships. Her best friend Sylvie Fowler discovers that Mary’s husband is cheating on her with a perfume saleswoman named Crystal Allen, thanks to a gossipy nail technician. Instead of telling Mary this discovery first, Sylvie tells their mutual pregnant friend, Edie Cohen. Mary eventually finds out on her own, through the same nail technician. For a part of the film, Mary’s friends wonder when a good time to tell her would be, not knowing that she already knows. Eventually, it is discovered everyone knows that Mary’s husband is cheating on her, and she leans on her friends for support while starting the divorce process.

And what better way to support your friend than to leak her personal struggles to a gossip columnist to save your career? Mary, hurt when learning Sylvie did this at her expense, ends their friendship. This doesn’t stop Sylvie from stepping up for Mary’s daughter Molly, without Mary’s knowledge, after catching Molly skipping school with friends and smoking cigarettes. Mary’s daughter confides in Sylvie that she feels distanced from her mother because of the divorce. Sylvie uses this opportunity to support the girl without telling Mary about her concerning behavior.

Just when you think things can’t get any worse, Mary’s father fires her from his fashion business for not having work good enough for the industry. Finally hitting rock bottom, Mary decides to start over and create her own fashion brand. To signify her transformation into a new life where she is the one empowering herself, Mary straightens her beautiful, luscious, curly hair for the remainder of the film. As someone with curly hair, I felt that was such a power move! It almost convinced me to finally buy a straightener, as that was obviously the main takeaway of the movie.

The group of friends then have to rush Edie to the hospital as she had gone into labor. The movie takes a turn as Mary receives a call from her ex-husband. Seeing her succeed in her independence, he wants her back and asks her out. With her friends’ encouragement, she says yes to a dateand throws out all of her achievements and character development.

Ultimately, The Women is a feel-good movie filled with themes of betrayal, women friendships, and personal empowerment. My mom and I give it a solid 10/10 despite the ending.

Ernest Goes to School

When Chickasaw Falls High School’s (CFHS) faculty comes under scrutiny, maintenance worker Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney) is forced to return to high school to obtain his diploma or be fired.

For Ernest, a klutzy adult with a low IQ, having to return to school and earn a diploma is a recipe for disaster. Navigating high school at a time when it is still good to be bad, he falls victim to the school bullies and mistreatment by cruel faculty members. Happily, he has some friends in the school who take notice of those difficult situations and want to help him. Two of those friends, science teachers who have been developing an intelligence-enriching device, offer Ernest an opportunity to increase his knowledge, enabling him to pass his classes and earn a diploma. Ernest accepts, and after each session, he is less ignorant, less clumsy, and, unfortunately, less likable.

While attending CFHS as a student, Ernest develops romantic feelings for his music teacher, who makes him the drum major of the marching band. With his newfound knowledge, he trains and teaches the band to follow his lead toward the best football half-time show to ever be performed at CFHS. Meanwhile, the school’s bullies vandalize the mind machine, causing Ernest’s cognitive abilities to return to normal. This forces him to lead the marching band and finish his quest for a high school diploma on his own merit.

In true Ernest fashion, he finds himself an underdog in a failing fight to succeed and prove himself a worthy recipient of kindness, respect, and love. With the help of real friends and some hard work, Ernest studies hard and passes his classes without the mind machine, truly earning the credit and praise he so often craves.

April 1, 2025

Frances

Throughout the first years of my elementary school life, the only thing that would get me to finally stay seated for breakfast before school was an incredible animated Badger named Frances.Frances (2008) is a short-lived TV adaptation of the children’s book series by Russell Hoban. Recently, I was lucky enough to stumble across one of the books in an antique store, which is what reminded me of all the lessons, and nostalgic animation, that this show provides young minds. It is genuinely one of the greatest children’s shows — in my opinion — that demonstrates children’s emotions and how to navigate them at such a young age.

Two of my favorite episodes that provide examples of this are Bread and Jam for Frances and A Cupcake for Frances, both of which I strongly believe took part in shaping me into the person I am today. As one of those kids who was a picky eater throughout my childhood — and still now, honestly — the Bread and Jam for Frances episode was always so memorable, not only for myself but also for my parents, who were forced to listen to it every morning. In the episode, Frances refuses to eat any food that isn’t, of course, bread and jam, up until the end when she decides maybe it’d be nice to try other foods once in a while. This episode not only was impactful through finding a balance of being able to enjoy your favorite foods but also showing how trying new things can be good, through the perspective mainly through young Frances, while also revealing how her parents navigated this change. Plus, it has one of the best songs from the show!

As for A Cupcake for Frances, this one was memorable to me because of how good the cupcakes looked, but its real message revolved around honesty and integrity. Frances’ mom makes cupcakes for all the kids to get one after the recital. Frances, wanting two, takes one of the other kids cupcakes and eats it, later lying to her parents about what happened to it. We watch as Frances’ guilt affects her and how she reflects on the fact she doesn’t feel good for eating her friend’s cupcake and lying about it. Through this thought process, she finds the solution to give her cupcake to her friend and apologize for eating his, as well as apologize to her parents for lying. Once again, it’s another great demonstration of emotions and actions kids go through.

While my only copy of the show on DVD is scratched to sh-t, skipping at least two out of the six episodes, I’m luckily still able to watch it on YouTube when I’m feeling nostalgic for simpler times (shout out to the YouTube account who sacrificed monetization; I love you). I will say, though, upon rewatch, it brought up the reminder of a nightmare this show gave me, so watch at your own risk, if you’re feeling crazy.

Available on YouTube.