May 19, 2025 (Summer)
For the romantics among us who like to read reviews before we shop….
Fictional Fiancé: Jason Voorhees
As summer nears and the heat of the season finally rolls in, many of us look towards the lake for a relaxing time to enjoy the summer. But so does one man in particular. Jason Voorhees of Camp Crystal Lake comes out every summer wearing his signature hockey mask on his face and this year’s choice of weapon in hand. With summer on the horizon, the threat of Jason Voorhees is more real now than ever, But does he also pose a threat to any of your potential suitors?
Appearances: ★★★☆☆
Standing over six feet tall with quite the muscular build, this woodsman has a few things going for him. As the horror genre often does, Jason plays into the horror trope of a killer being disabled by being disfigured. If you’re so concerned about that anyway, he does wear a mask and doesn’t seem to ever take it off.
Odor: ☆☆☆☆☆
Does this man shower? No. Does he wash himself up in any possible way? Well, he is submerged in water for extended periods of time, but I doubt he possesses soap in the tiny shack he lives in.
Family Values: ★★★★★
If there were awards for momma’s boys, Mr. Voorhees here would take first place! His bond with his mom is so strong that he can even speak to her in death. Jason certainly puts a priority on family, so you better hope his mom approves of you joining, because the alternative isn’t too great for you.
Protectiveness: ★★★★★
Jason Voorhees is incredibly protective; there’s no mercy for trespassers on his property. If you were dating him, you’d presumably be protected as much as Crystal Lake. That is up for debate considering how dangerous Jason is himself, however. …
Responsibility: ★★★★☆
Jason Voorhees says NO to drugs and alcohol, kids … and he also says no to sex, bullying, littering, partying, and generally existing on his property. I guess killing is okay? As long as he’s doing it. So if you don’t engage in any of that, you’ll be set to move in with him into his tiny shack!
Living Quarters: ★☆☆☆☆
Jason lives in a lovely shack that will suit all of your needs. We, of course, have a table, which his mom’s head is placed on (lovely touch there), and the only other decoration is a cabinet for weapons! Bed? What’s that?
Dateability: ★★☆☆☆
Despite seemingly having a few good traits in a partner, please do not attempt to date Jason Voorhees, and moreover, just don’t go to Crystal Lake.
When thinking of Christmas movies, everyone’s minds likely go to the same place: A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Elf … so on and so forth. These classic films are so well-known that most people have already seen them. Instead of retreading old ground, I wanted to bring to light a Christmas movie that’s a classic in my household: Krampus (2015).
It was Christmas Eve, 2023. My husband Jose, my brother Troy, and I were up late, while everyone else in the house had either gone to bed or was in hiding because they’d had enough of our shenanigans. We decided to put on the Christmas movie that would soon become legend in my household: Violent Night (2022).
They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and it is not hard to see why when movies like The Merry Gentlemen (2024) are made to celebrate the holiday. It is the perfect mix of Chad Michael Murray, so-bad-and-cheesy-they-are-good Hallmark movies, and Magic Mike — all things that are amazing on their own and even better together. You might be skeptical of this, as was I when I first heard about this Netflix original. I debated not even giving it the time of day, but I fear Chad Michael Murray’s abs did the talking and persuaded me to give it a watch. The movie is definitely cheesy and has a few moments that you can’t help but cringe at, but it is full of goofy holiday cheer that makes it a decent watch.
While not officially a Christmas movie, the perfect summer Christmas film that my siblings and I rewatch every holiday season is Rise of the Guardians (2012). The story follows Jack Frost as he discovers his purpose and identity while assisting the Guardians in putting a stop to Pitch Black, otherwise known as the Boogeyman. The Guardians consist of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Sandman, who were chosen by the Moon to protect children from losing their childlike wonders and bring them joy. Pitch threatens this by creating a darkness. As more children lose their belief in the Guardians through the darkness, the more the Guardians lose their powers.
One show I only first heard of and watched last summer was Panic (2021). The show follows a group of small-town Carp, Texas, teens who’ve just graduated from high school and participate in the summer tradition of a secret game called Panic, which was started by past seniors. What draws these teens in is the cash prize of $50,000 that could change their lives if they win. Heather Nill (Olivia Scott Welch) joins, to everyone’s surprise, alongside others who include her best friend Natalie Williams (Jessica Sula), enemy Ray Hall (Ray Nicholson), and stranger Dodge Mason (Mike Faist). All of them are forced to work together once they realize not only are the cops beginning to catch on, but someone has been tampering with the game. There can only be one winner in the end, begging the question: can you really rely on anyone? Even if they’re your closest friend?
When the death of an important patient/hospital financial donor causes his life to spiral out of control, diagnostic emergency-room surgeon Dr. Hank Lawson (Mark Feuerstein), accepts an invitation from his brother Evan (Paulo Costanzo) for a weekend in the Hamptons.
When I think of summer, I think of afternoons watching Nickelodeon on my family’s box TV. During that time, I was whisked away into the world of boy bands. While One Direction was all over the radio, I was focused on a band only seen through the TV screen. And that show was Big Time Rush.
Violet is a “tool of war”; having been raised to be a soldier, she entered The Great War as a child and operated under the orders of Major Gilbert. She was an exceptional soldier, killing enemies mercilessly on the battlefield until she could no longer fight after losing her arms. We follow Violet after this point, where she’s recovering from her wounds in a hospital. Shortly before being discharged, she writes a report for Major Gilbert, requesting to be deployed on a mission once again.
The vibes of my song picks are all a little different from one another, but all of them are songs that have made their way onto my summer playlist for this year. These songs really just have good vibes all around and are great for all of your summer activities, be it getting hyped up for a day full of adventure, or a nice chill evening around a fire with some friends.