The Driftwood #35: DIY Gardening

April 26th, 2023

It may feel like the winter weather will never let up, but planting season is just around the corner! And whether you have a green thumb or have never grown a thing in your life, this is the perfect year to gear up your garden with some new gardening know-hows.

Watermelons

WatermelonHow can I possibly grow a big, tasty watermelon, you ask? We’re in the Midwest; it’s COLD! Good question. And the answer is, by making a few careful decisions long before the growing season even begins. So, water-you waiting for? Let’s get started!

  1. Pick a short-growing variety. Some species grow faster than others with Golden Crown, Sugar Baby, and Yellow Doll (70-75 day fruit maturity) beating out Carson, Crimson Sweet, and Sangria, or even their seedless cousin species Honey Heart and Triple Crown (80-85 days). The shorter the warm seasons in your state, the shorter maturing time you’ll want to choose. Keep in mind, too, that seedless varieties will still require you to plant a traditional species next to them to ensure pollination later on.
  2. Start indoors. Once you select a melon seed, you’ll want to begin your planting season about three weeks before you plan to transplant into the garden, preferably in late May when the risk of frost has gone. You are welcome to give your melons an easier time by soaking them for a few hours, then allowing them to sprout in a folded, damp cloth, or else you can sow them directly in your pots at 1” deep, in soil that is 75-90°F. If you choose the latter, water your containers thoroughly the day before planting. Do not water the seeds again until sprouted.
  3. Give them your sandy, your loamy, your well-drained soil. Watermelons dislike clay, so having a raised bed may be the best option for optimal growth conditions if you live in an area with clay soil. Be aware, however, that they need LOTS of space—at least 7 feet between plants due to excessive vine lengths. The outdoor temperature should remain 60°F or above at night, and plants should be watered about an inch to two inches’ worth every week (or 16 gallons) until they begin to ripen, at which time you should stop watering them altogether.
  4. Pollinate, prune, and wait. Melons can be difficult to get pollinated, so consider giving them a hand. When flowers appear, you can pinch those off that do not have tiny, round fruits attached (males) and rub them on those that do have the fruits attached (females). If you’re worried about doing it wrong, you can also just use a small paint brush to transfer pollen from one flower to another. While it can vary depending on your selection, you should typically only allow four melons to grow per plant; that way they will not produce fruit that is too small or unhealthy. Once that’s done, you wait. The melons will be ready to pick as soon as the maturing time is up, the skins have lightened, and giving them a knock produces a hollow sound. Give one a taste before you pick all of them.

Growing Ideas

  1. The Oddly Shaped Melon. The Japanese have mastered the technique of the square watermelon, though they can be grown in many shapes. All it requires is a cube of tempered glass (or other transparent material to let in sunlight) placed around the growing melon. Then, voilà! An oddly shaped melon will begin to take form.
  2. The Trellis Melon. Unfortunately, melons dislike small spaces (pots) due to needing lots of root space. However, they do very well hanging from a trellis, which means you can still grow the vines, leaves, and fruits in a contained area. You can use wood, T-posts with strings, an old ladder, or even a cattle panel bent into an arch. Whatever you use, just make sure it will hold up to the weight of your watermelon variety.
—Grace Desotell, Gardening Editor

The Driftwood #35: Local Favorites

April 26th, 2023

Coffee and Bagel Shops

Looking for a refreshing coffee, tea, or smoothie? Pair your drink with a delicious treat from these local coffee shops located in Green Bay and Marinette.MarinetteZingerZinger Coffee & Tea (715/732-5454): 1739 Marinette Avenue, Marinette. This drive-through coffee location offers a wonderful selection of coffee; tea; plenty of smoothie options; and treats such as cookies, scones, and chocolate-covered espresso beans. Zinger Coffee has great daily deals such as purchasing a specialty latte and receiving a muffin top for only $1.00! (Deals are posted on the Zinger Coffee business page on Facebook.) This coffee location contains monthly featured drinks. For April, it is cookies & cream or pastel Peep lattes. Stop by for a refreshing drink at Zinger Coffee from 5:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Monday through Friday or 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. on Saturday. They are closed on Sundays.Bagel shoppe graphicThe Bagel Shoppe & Café (906/864-4370): 2210 10th Street, Menominee, MI. This all-in-one coffee and bagel shop serves a variety of homemade bagels, cream cheeses, and specialty breads. There are many refreshment options including an espresso bar that serves local Door County coffee, fresh fruit smoothies, and tea. A great feature of this café is that there are so many lunch combinations such as deli sandwiches, homemade soup, and freshly made salads. Top off your breakfast or lunch with some of their delicious baked goods such as their famous frosted bagel bites, cookies, or turnovers. This café offers delicious homemade items with flavor options for everyone. Check out The Bagel Shoppe from 6:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday. They are closed on Sunday and Monday.Green BayThe AtticThe Attic Corner (920/435-6515): 730 Bodart Street, Green Bay. The Attic contains a full espresso bar, including a wide selection of over 60 loose-leaf tea options, and serves as a used bookstore. A great quality of this coffee shop is the delicious trade coffee for sale. There is plenty of seating and free Wi-Fi available, which makes for a perfect place for working and reading. Enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while browsing for a new book to add to your collection. Stop by the Attic from 7:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Monday through Thursday, and 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Friday through Sunday. Daily BuzzDaily Buzz Espresso Bar (920/940-0130): 124 E. Walnut Street, Green Bay. This coffee shop is a great place to stop by for a quick treat and a coffee, especially after a walk on the nearby boardwalk. In addition to the bakery selection, their menu also includes breakfast and lunch choices such as bagels, avocado toast, wraps, and salads. Many of the items on the menu have vegetarian and gluten-free options as well. I highly recommend the Bee’s Knees cold brew, which is my personal favorite. Visit the Daily Buzz from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Monday through Friday and 7:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. on the weekends.

—Kayu Brooks, Local Favorites Editor

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Featured Poetry

March 9th, 2023

Threads

Like a piece of thread with a needleI choose to sew myself together againWith the brightest red thread I could findhoping someone would noticeThe struggle and pain I’ve been throughjust so I could smile againBut no one doesBecause I have given all my Threads away

— © 2022 by Ongnia Thao

Ongnia Thao says, “I’ve always been too shy to show off my poetry, and I decided to take a chance. I hope someone out there can find comfort in my poetry like I do.” She attends the Sheboygan campus. This poem was originally published in the 2022 Northern Lights Literary & Arts Journal.

Submit your poetry, creative nonfiction, and fiction to the 2023 Northern Lights! Click here for more information.

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Faculty Profiles

March 9th, 2023

Humanizing Our PetsThe unsung heroes of the editorial staff of the Driftwood. The true creative power behind the newsletter.CassName and Title: Cass or Cass boy, Driftwood Best Boy (Honorary rank because he’s a dog.)

Owner: Kayu Brooks

Ambitions: Being able to sharpen my fox-like hunting skills so I can steal more treats without my mom or tiny leader noticing. So far, I have successfully stolen many dropped McDonald’s French fries, and I even swiped a few chicken nuggets recently (so I KNOW I am getting closer to achieving professional stealth status and reaching that final goal of A WHOLE CHEESEBURGER).Crimes I am not proud of: I was taking an INNOCENT stroll through the woods after my wonderful mom took me off my tie out (she didn’t want me to go inside, did she?), nudging a stick of butter off the counter to take a little nibble, and knocking my tiny leader off the porch when I ran out the door to go play.

***

AngelName and Title: Angel, Driftwood Co-Editor-in-Chief & Honorary Calls-It-As-I-See-It SpearheadOwner: Grace DesotellHow well did you take the news that you were adopted? You know, I never really thought of it as being adopted. Hm. One moment, I was laying on a bed of straw with a sniffle; a day or two later, I perked up a bit and realized pillows were better, so I never moved back to the barn. I like to think of it as I adopted my owner, you know?What’s your educational background? I partook in eight weeks of Feral Cat 101 before I flunked out. They said I enjoyed cuddles too much. Their loss.What have you accomplished in your life? Good question. I frustrate my owner through no fault of my own at least every other day, hair up the baby’s seat every day, but it’s been a long time since I scratched up a door frame. I’ll be right back…What are your ambitions? Eat. Sleep. Claw the nicest piece of furniture in the house. Watch the dog steal things that don’t belong to him off the table and stash it in his bed for later. Oops, my owner didn’t know that yet. Sorry not sorry. Better luck next time, Pup.

***

SmallzName and Title: Smallz, Human Resources DirectorOwner: Aidann WoodcockHow well did you take the news that you were adopted? Wha-what? What do you mean adopted?!What’s your take on rising inflation? Who do you think caused it?What crimes have you committed? Don’t check the backyard.What did the birds do to wrong you? They know what they did. We’ll never forgive them.

***

OmeletteName and Title: Omelette, Driftwood Advisor & Evil MastermindOwner: Tracy Fernandez RysavyWhat have you accomplished in your life? I’ve terrorized my brothers Watson and Fat Kitty into proper submission, trained my humans to give me treats on demand, and have let all and sundry know that the rule of the house is “where I fits, I sits.” If I deign to sit on a human, said human must not move until I am done, and they must rub my belly. This is the way. I also take excellent care of my fur.What are your ambitions? Total world domination. What else?What crimes have you committed? In the words of Machiavelli, “It is better to be feared than loved.” Also, “politics have no relation to morals.” On that scale, I have committed no crimes. Also, my face and my tiny little legs are ridiculously cute, so my humans are always distracted by them into forgiving me.

***

MarbleName:  Marble, Driftwood Fact-Checker and Resident Bad BoyOwner: Ariel Rutten

What’s your educational background?  Graduated with a Masters of “Being a Complete @$$hole” in Household and Family Sciences.

What are your ambitions? To see the great outdoors. My owners think that just because I want to immediately come back inside because my paws are cold means I don’t have what it takes to be a great hunter. I’ll prove them wrong, the fools.

What secrets are you hiding from your owner? I puked on her bed when she left for college. I can’t wait to hear her great sigh when she returns. Then, while she’s changing the sheets, I’ll bite her hands! Such a clever and witty game I construct.

—Aidann Woodcock, Profiles Editor

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Self-Care Corner

March 9th, 2023

A Realist’s Guide to Self Care

Self care may be all the rage, but maybe you’re tired of hearing about it. You stayed up all night completing your latest paper, you work a thankless retail job on top of going to school full time, and you just spent all your cash on fixing your so-ancient-it’s-one-step-up-from-a-Model-T car’s transmission and will have to subsist on ramen noodles and air for the rest of the month. You’re tired, you’re cranky, and you’re a little hangry. And you want to tell the next person to advise “taking time for you” to put their Yoga with Adriene videos somewhere impolite. If the above sounds all too familiar, you’re in luck. I’m hangry and tired, too.. To help us both feel better, here are my most realistic tips for self care for the frazzled.

  • Try a primal scream. Psychotherapist Arthur Janov invented “primal scream therapy” to help people expel repressed childhood trauma. The goal is simply to scream as loud as you can and let out all your pent-up feelings. If you regularly avoid anything that might bring on emotional catharsis, consider giving Janov’s technique a try. Stand in the middle of Walmart and unleash a few primal screams. With the advent of the self-checkout lane, the store has signficantly fewer human employees to unceremoniously banish you from the store, and you might just scare the people around you enough that they clear out, leaving you to shop the normally chaotic aisles in peace.
  • Engage in deep breathing. The next time you get a spam call on your phone, answer it, and instead of talking, engage in a bit of deep breathing. This is even better if you forget to take your allergy medication that morning and can add some stuffed-up slurping noises. If the telemarketer doesn’t immediately hang up, you can always try a primal scream. Either one might finally get you off their calling list.
  • Do Yoga with Adriene. Stream a Yoga with Adriene YouTube video on your computer or TV and heckle it. Adriene can’t hear you, but telling her to buy herself a donut might make you feel better about not having time to exercise. Apologize to Adriene and then go have a donut in her honor.
  • Grab a cuppa. Brew yourself a cup of chamomile tea. Wait for it to cool down enough to avoid burns, and then fling it in at the next person who tells you that chamomile tea is “soothing.”
  • Get our your journal. Write down how much you hate journaling. Keep writing until you degenerate into ranting nonsense and start sounding like Grandpa Jerry after a few too many hours yelling about political correctness at the corner bar. Burn journal before someone discovers it. Write some deep-and-misunderstood poetry instead. Brood and sigh dramatically like the unsung Byronic hero you are. (Editor’s note: Submit deep-and-misunderstood poetry to Northern Lights by April 2nd!)
  • Drink more water. Make a pact to drink the five 8-ounce glasses of water that experts recommend imbibing daily. Midway through your first glass, realize that you hate water and make yourself a pitcher of Kool-Aid instead, preferably cherry. Pour half your weight in sugar in it and enjoy the nostalgia while pretending it’s totally the same as getting your five recommended 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Smugly pat yourself on the back before you start twitching from insulin shock.
  • Sit and be still for ten minutes. Realize after 30 seconds that you have way too much to do to sit and be still for ten minutes. Make it ten seconds instead and then go do your homework. No matter how much you threaten it, your history textbook isn’t going to read itself.
  • Take a bath. Realize after two minutes of letting the water run that you haven’t cleaned said bath since the pre-COVID era. Decide that not cleaning the bathtub is self care and run away.
  • Buy yourself flowers. As you head to the checkout counter, realize that you cannot afford flowers as you are currently subsisting on ramen noodles and air. Put flowers back. Pretend you totally did not just pick them up and carry them around the store like a dork as you skulk out the exit. Remind yourself that it’s the thought that counts..
  • Celebrate the holiday. It’s April Fool’s Day this weekend. Get out your dad jokes and your DIY pranks, and unleash jokester armageddeon on your loved ones.

This guide was unofficially and unwittingly “sponsored” by Despair, Inc.’s “Demotivational” posters. Actually, that’s just my excuse to share one of my favorites with you. Fair use FTW!  Image courtesy of Despair, Inc

Demotivator poster

Caption: When you wish upon a star, your dreams can come true. Unless it’s really a meteor hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you’re pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor. 

—Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Driftwood Advisor

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Ultimate Hobbies 2

March 9th, 2023

Free DIY Pranks

April Fool's PranksApril Fool’s is fast on its way. We all need to do our part by playing some practical jokes and inflicting temporary but fun suffering on those we hold dear. Here are some quick and cute DIY pranks—no supplies necessary.

  • Fool your landlord and don’t pay this month’s rent. They might get this joke year-round, but because it’s April first, it’ll be comical and irresponsible.
  • Propose to your significant other. Watch their face morph with love and shock only to immediately question your entire relationship as they try to deduce if you’re serious. Pure comedy!
  • Tell your friends and family you’re going to start working on yourself. Prank them hilariously by sitting on your couch all day.
  • Run into your coworker’s car in the parking lot, then leave a numberless-note on their windshield… “Sorry for all the damage done to your vehicle. Please call so I can pay for repairs.” Hopefully they laugh so hard they cry.
  • Cancel plans at the last minute. There is nothing people find more funny than being let down.
  • Tell your spouse you’re picking up your kid from school, then don’t. Abandon your child for the sake of the holiday. A funny memory that will last a lifetime!

If these classics go over poorly, don’t sweat it. Some of us on this earth just aren’t gifted with such a fantastic sense of humor like yours and mine. Happy pranking. Disclaimer: All advice is meant to be taken ironically. Our organization accepts no liability for consequences or unfavorable outcomes.

—Ariel Rutten

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Ultimate Hobbies 1

March 9th, 2023

Everyone has that one thing they enjoy more than anything to pass the time. It might be knitting, clothespin art, or even painting. For those of you looking for new or more challenging hobbies, we’ve got you covered. Below, we’ve picked out ultimate, step-it-up activities to push your perseverance and boost your creativity.

April Fool’s Solo Cup Holders

Solo cup holderHave you ever been to an April Fool’s party? Neither have I, but if you’re hosting then I’ve got you covered with a creative way for guests to remember which glasses are theirs. Solo cups are too expensive to have extras lying around, but naming each one can prevent unnecessary waste. And what better way to enforce the naming rule than to customize your very own Solo cup holder with some funny April Fool’s jokes or tricks?First, measure how big your cup holder needs to be for cup stacking and pulling ease (think of a box without a lid). Mark the dimensions down on your desired lumber type and thickness, and saw the wood into pieces. and saw it into pieces. It’s recommended to remove any sharp or rough edges with sandpaper before moving forward. On the front board, drill a round hole in the top of the 2×4, just big enough to store a Sharpie marker. Choose a paint color and apply a layer to the pieces, followed by a second layer after the first one dries (the wood may soak in the first layer or you may decide it looks good as it is). Next, stand the pieces up vertically in a square, and nail or glue them together.For the letters of your name or chosen phrase, you’re welcome to paint them on by hand or to create a stencil that can be printed on a Cricut printer. You can also print out a design on paper and cut it into a stencil for painting using a precision art knife. Many people say something like “You only get one, so mark it up,” but this is the part of the project that you can change up however you see fit. Some personal favorites for the holiday in question include “beer goes here” when you’re only drinking water or “to avoid tears, mark your cup here.” Either way, we’re sure this will make a great prop to liven up your party’s drink table and save on recycling.Do you think this might be your ultimate April Fool’s hobby? For a visual tutorial, check out this video to get started.

—Grace Desotell, Hobbies Editor

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: DIY Gardening 2

March 9th, 2023

The Hwatyl 

"Hwatyl" plantPerhaps you’ve tried gardening again and again, and have found yourself with more of a black thumb than a green one. If you are someone capable of killing even succulents and cacti, then perhaps you should try a Hwatyl plant (pronounced huh-wah-tull). This native New Zealand legume is known for two major reasons: its insanely high survivability in most conditions, and its delicious fruit-bearing pods. Both make it a stand-out choice for those desperate to be good at gardening for just once in their lives.One of the simple joys of this plant is that regardless of when it’s planted, it will go through the exact same growing process. Whenever you plant it, it will be done growing within 45~50 days nearly every single time. Middle of winter? Last day of summer? G’ma’s 89th birthday bash? No matter what, about seven weeks later and the Hwatyl will be ready to harvest. The trick about the Hwatyl is that it’s an undergrowth plant and as such does not require direct sunlight. It doesn’t require much water at all, on top of its roots being capable of high amounts of water retention. It does so to such a degree that you can get away with putting all seven weeks’ worth of water in immediately and not once needing to touch it again.During its growth period, there is almost no need to interject. Due to millennia of evolution, the Hwatyl can do much to fend for itself. Scientists tout it as being one of the smartest plants in the world, in terms of self-preservation at the very least. Try as you might, the Hwatyl will probably kill you before you kill it. Don’t worry, that’s just a joke!Now, you are probably wondering about those pods we discussed earlier, and rightfully so! They are to die for. During the growing period, the pods will make themselves visible right away. You will know when they are harvestable because they start drooping about a foot lower. Actually harvesting the plant is as easy as grabbing and plucking, as it practically falls off the branch when you touch it. Be careful though, because if the fruit remains unharvested the plant will continue to grow indefinitely. After a few days of the drooping pod, the plant starts growing to protect it, and will not stop growing until the pod is removed. This cannot happen, as once the plant has the pod fully covered there is no way, other than fire and explosions, to eradicate the Hwatyl. Even then, more drastic measures see limited results if the Hwatyl was given too long togrow. Don’t get discouraged because of one little disastrous consequence of negligence, the rest of the plant is so easy to care for most owners would never let all that happen. Anyone who has tasted the fruit even once will know just how indescribably delicious it is, and they will make sure to harvest and eat the pod almost immediately. All of these elements and aspects come together to make a wonderful plant that anyone at any gardening level can enjoy.Before your purchase of the mighty Hwatyl, you must recite “The Hwatyl Owner’s Oath”:

“I am a proud owner of a Hwatyl, and that Hwatyl I will not let down.I will care for and tend to my Hwatly, ripping the pod asunder when the time has come.I will show my Hwatyl nothing but respect, and will never pour rootbeer on it.In event of overgrowth, I accept the Hwatyl may overpower me and drain my nutrients.I accept the responsibility of dealing with the overgrowth should I survive.I am a proud owner of a Hwatly, and that Hwatyl I will not let down.”

(For more info, visit the official New Zealand website hwatyl.nz.)

—Andrew Wiegman

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: DIY Gardening 1

March 9th, 2023

It may feel like the winter weather will never let up, but planting season is just around the corner! And whether you have a green thumb or have never grown a thing in your life, this is the perfect year to gear up your garden with some new gardening know-hows.

An Intervention with Your Plants

Talking to Plant

Have you attempted a garden year after year with few results? Do you feel out of touch with your green thumb? Were you thinking about throwing in the towel, settling down for a summer indoors to avoid certain heartbreak? Have you tried… an intervention? Well, look no further, because if you follow these quick tips below, you’re guaranteed to finally have that overabundant harvest you’ve always wanted.

  1. Always approach your plants calmly. Any sudden movements could send them into a fury or even bring on fatal plant shock syndrome. If you’ve ever had a dog or a deer run past your garden, only to find a tomato or someone else withered away the next morning, this is probably what happened.
  2. Treat them with respect. Have you ever wondered how oxygen gets replenished on a regular basis? That’s right, food isn’t the only way they’re keeping you alive, so do them a big favor and be on your best behavior while in their presence. Plants thrive in a mutually respectful environment.
  3. Ask your garden buddies how they’re doing. It’s difficult for some plants to open up about their feelings, so give them time. Show them your genuine concern for their well-being, and offer to listen to their problems. Don’t interrupt them, speak over them, or cast judgment onto them. Only offer advice if they ask for it because, well, it’s rude otherwise. Duh.
  4. Buy presents. Using the almighty Google Firefox, look up some great species-specific gift ideas, whether that’s a tasty fertilizer supplement, a fancy watering can, or a bag of coffee grounds to ward off the unrelenting backyard ants. Remember, everyone appreciates being rewarded for their good efforts.
  5. Bring up your concerns. Let your plants know how deeply you care for them, and that you just want what’s best. Ask them how you can make them feel more comfortable in your backyard and confident in their place as producers. Sometimes, when we remind our garden pals that they’re not alonethere’s actually 8 million blades of grass nearbyand that they’re cared for, they’re able to work through any problems they may have had.

Get On Your Plants’ Good Side IdeasDid your intervention go terribly wrong? Did you chicken out at the last second and ditch your efforts altogether? Don’t worry. We have a couple more ideas below to get your gardening back on track.

  1. The buy-them-new-surroundings idea. There’s nothing better than a new raised bed, a bigger clay pot, a fresh layer of mulch, or a new wall to climb. Gently remind them that a comforting new layout is meant to boost their productivity without acting like a big nag by placing pictures of your neighbors’ successful harvests nearby. This will help them to understand your mutual goals as a gardening household.
  2. The sing-them-into-fruition idea. Plants love carbon dioxide and you don’t, so it’s a great place to blow some of your used up air. It’s actually the only benefit of singing to your plant unless you’ve mastered the rain dance or happen to have a corn patch nearby. Even then, corn prefers to listen to secrets, not music. Watch what you say around them. They have many ears.
—Grace Desotell, Gardening Editor

The Driftwood #34 April Fool’s Edition: Outdoor Fun

March 9th, 2023

Lime Rock Bottomless Pit State ParkBottomless pitIf you find yourself in the Seymour area and are in the mood for a scenic hike, Lime Rock Bottomless Pit State Park is a must-visit. There is a plethora of beautiful trails, but none more coveted than “Neverending Trail”. This picturesque walk leads you progressively lower and lower, showing off some of Wisconsin’s most beautiful natural forests and formations, all leading to the park’s namesake, the Lime Rock Bottomless Pit. As you draw near, you may feel your stomach sink as you have no choice but to stare directly into the gaping maw of the pit, but don’t worry! This is totally normal! As long as you don’t let the alluring draw of unending darkness engulf you whole, Lime Rock Bottomless Pit State Park provides nothing but breathtaking view after breathtaking view. (Please leave before 11:11 PM, do not bring children, do not take or leave anything, and please, please, PLEASE: Stay. On. The. Trail.)

—Andrew Wiegman