Holiday-Themed Top Ten

We are all about connecting learning to life at UW-Green Bay, so we want to help you make the most of the holiday. We may be just a little late for this year, but if things didn’t go quite as you had planned this February 14th, start planning now for next year. Here are the Top Ten Ways that Behaviorism Can Improve Your Valentine’s Day.

10. That heart-shaped boxes of chocolates will have greater value if you deprive your partner of food for awhile first. 

9. Because they are not observable behaviors, love and happiness are unimportant. Explain to your partner that this is why he or she did not get a gift this year.

8. Token economies have shown great success in all sorts of settings, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t work in relationships. Don’t just give chocolates. Give tokens for positive behaviors that can be traded for chocolates. 

7. If you go out to dinner, try ordering “fixed interval scallops” as a joke. Your partner will be enamored by the clever behaviorism pun.  

6. To increase the speed of your partner’s lip-puckering, try ringing a bell each time you give him or her a kiss.

5.  Not only is saying “I love you” a bit of a cliché, it’s also meaningless in terms of behaviorism. Try saying something like, “Spending time with you has led to a sharp increase in smiling and laughing, as well as a significant decrease in frowning and crying.” Some sort of visual aid (a chart or graph depicting the change) might help drive the point home.  

4. Remember, punishment is the least effective way to change behavior. Try negative reinforcement instead. Make an aversive noise until your partner does what you want him or her to do.

3. Cards, chocolates, and flowers have little value as reinforcement. If you give a gift, make it cash.   

2. Since variable-ratio reinforcement schedules are best, flip a coin to determine if you will give your partner a gift this year. This should increase positive relationship behaviors in him or her.

1. If you actually tried any of these yourself this year, make sure to check out next month’s Top Ten Ways to get a New Partner Now that You’ve Screwed Up Valentine’s Day.

Top Ten Best Facebook Posts from the First Day of Class

We at The Pink Flamingo know that the first day of class is full of excitement, anxiety, frustration, and wonder (at least we HOPE there’s some excitement and wonder).  What better place to capture all those emotions than Facebook.  That’s why we asked The Pink Flamingo IT Specialist to hack into the famed social networking site to bring us the very best status updates from students and faculty members on that first day. 

Don’t worry, the names have been changed to protect your confidentiality.  In fact, if you can tell us what the fake names all have in common, you might just earn yourself a little fortune and glory (by “fortune,” we mean a candy bar of your choosing and by “glory,” we mean that you will be prominently featured in the next issue of The Pink Flamingo; click here to submit your guesses.

10. Donald Grant cannot find a parking place.
9. Tatiana Romanova hopes this is the year she gets a class where there are no tests, no presentations, and little homework.
8. Dr. Rosa Klebb hopes this is the year she has students who want to take tests, do presentations, and do homework.
7. Victor Kronsteen regrets scheduling all his classes for the same day and worries about blowing his food budget on five hour energy drinks.
6. Donald Grant STILL cannot find a parking place.
5. Dr. Zora wonders if her students know that she is far more nervous than they are.
4. Major Boothroyd doesn’t think the laws of physics will allow him to get from Wood Hall to MAC Hall in the time allotted between classes.
3. Donald Grant found a parking place!!!…but missed class.
2. Captain Nash was appalled to learn that his Monday night class will still be in session during Monday night Packer games and plans on contacting Chancellor Harden regarding this atrocity.
1. Kerim Bey wants to know why his professors are making Facebook jokes.  Don’t they know that Facebook hasn’t been cool since they started using it?

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Getting Enough Sleep

With final projects looming, concern about upcoming registration, and the knowledge that exams are about one month away, this is the time of year when students tell us they might not be getting enough sleep.  We asked our resident not-enough-sleep expert and new Dad, Dr. Martin, for some signs that you might not be getting enough sleep. 

10. You’re not even trying to be discrete as you fall asleep in class.

9. You ore more prome to typos wehn writting than usuall. 

8. I had a good one for number 8 but I can’t remember what it was…

7. Oh yeah, I remember, memory problems.

6. You’re learning to enjoy the company of those in your sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations.

5. Those late night infomercial products are really starting to look good.  Have you seen the H2O Mop?  That frickin’ thing will clean up anything!!!

4. You tried to enroll yourself in a study on the effectiveness of Madafinil, the military’s new “wakefulness promoting agent.” 

3. The coffee vender knows more about you than your parents.

2. Your professors’ jokes, including this Top Ten List, actually seem funny.

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The Top 10: Explanations for Not Making it to The Super Bowl

Well, the Super Bowl has come and gone (Congratulations, New Orleans!), but you probably noticed there wasn’t any NFC North representation in the big game. Drs. Martin and Vespia had a friendly argument about whether the Top 10 list this month should make fun of the Packers or the Vikings. The compromise? Dr. Vespia would get 5 chances to mock the Vikings, and Dr. Martin would have his 5 opportunities to pick on the Packers. Who won? You decide.

The Top 5 Reasons the Vikings Didn’t Make it to the Super Bowl  

5. As psychologists, we all know that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, and well, if you’ve never won a Super Bowl in the past, chances are…

4. Coaches and players watched hours of film of the Saints in preparation for the game but forgot to review the most critical piece of tape: overtime of the January 2008 Packers-Giants playoff game.

3. Given their fumble record, Viking players have apparently not yet learned that one must actually hold on to the football in order to score points.

2. Unfortunately, playoff games aren’t held in September prior to the Vikings’ traditional late-season choke. 

1. Dr. Martin insisted when he moved to Green Bay that our quarterback was aging, over-rated, and prone to throwing interceptions. Perhaps he was right, after all.

The Top 5 Reasons the Packers Didn’t Make it to the Super Bowl

5. Turns out that Favre guy they got rid of was actually pretty decent. 

4. Ted Thompson foolishly included language in the offensive linemen’s contracts stipulating that they only need to play full speed on even downs.  

3. No one could have anticipated this, but the teams with losing records they beat all season weren’t as good as the teams they would face in the playoffs. 

2. NFL rules (along with the United Nations Committee on Biomedical Ethics) dictate that Charles Woodson cannot be cloned.

1. The Packers defense, ranked number 2 in the NLF, played just like that…number 2.