Driftwood #18: The Trash Vortex

April 30, 2021

Welcome to the Trash Vortex, the entertainment black holes that never fail to suck you in and won’t let go until the trashy, so-bad-it’s-good end. 

Trashy Childhood Cartoons

Animation is stunning, and sometimes, you just needa cutesy fun story to take your mind off of everything. Here are the Driftwood staff’s picks for “Childhood Cartoons.”

Kim Possible posterKim Possible Movie: So the Drama: Kim Possible and her best friend, Ron Stoppable, are an unstoppable pair when it comes to their crime-fighting and life-saving missions, working in comedic and entertaining sync; however, when it comes to their social lives in school, Kim becomes embarrassed with Ron’s goofy nature and her lack of a boyfriend. Ron is her best friend, but she can’t help but be humiliated any time someone implies they date. Finally, Kim meets the new kid at school, Erik, and is head over heels instantly. The two quickly develop a relationship, and Ron becomes jealous as he is edged out of Kim’s life.

Meanwhile, Kim’s archnemesis, Dr. Drakken, has found the perfect way to finally get under her skin without her even realizing. First threatening the stability of her family, Drakken kidnaps her father to obtain top-secret information from his brain, then increases some of his cloning technology, developing a plan that he keeps secret from everyone, even his own evil partner.

Drakken comes the closest he’s ever gotten to finally defeating Kim Possible, and Kim must balance saving the world while truly thinking about her friendship with Ron. Saving the world might be stressful, but it’s not as stressful as high school!

After three seasons, the ever-popular Disney Channel show Kim Possible released an insanely popular movie in 2005, called Kim Possible Movie: So The Drama. This movie, quite frankly, has an interesting plot and a pretty cool little twist! An absolute classic for anyone who grew up watching Disney Channel in the early 2000s, Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama has ridiculous one liners and fashion statements that you just can’t help but adore. Just like every other Disney Channel creation, this show and movie highlight just how important high school seems, but that you should never forget the friends who have been there for you through everything. Available on Disney+ and other streaming platforms.

—Kira Doman, Entertainment Editor

Voltron PosterVoltron: Defender of the Universe: In 1984, World Events Productions released the first episode of an anime-ish cartoon—a mashup of two series by Japan’s Toei Entertainment—that would take America’s permed mullets by storm. The premise of Voltron: Defender of the Universe was fresh and fun: Five space explorers are sent from Earth to the planet Arus to bring back Voltron, a mighty robot that, as the legend went, had once brought peace to the galaxy. With a new threat looming from a villain named King Zarkon, the Earth explorers know that Voltron may be the galaxy’s last hope.

The men (sigh) find Princess Allura and her mentor Coran are the last of Arus’s people, and fortunately, they’re just waiting for five space explorers to drop down out of the sky. Because as luck would have it, they do know where Voltron is—underneath Allura’s own castle, broken up into five robot lions that can join together to form Voltron. The explorers all happen to be men, and for some ungodly reason, Allura hands over the lion keys to all five without wanting to pilot one herself. Never mind that as the daughter of the Voltron force’s last captain, Allura knows more than any of them about how to make the lions roar. Fortunately, explorer Sven has the good sense to get injured and sent to a space hospital in episode four, so my girl Allura could don her pink space suit and join the darn force as she was OBVIOUSLY born to do.

Sounds great, right? It was, until it settled into a rhythm that went something like this: King Zarkon’s forces send a robot beast (or “robeast”) to or near Arus. The robeast wreaks havoc until the lion force arrives. The lion force gets their backsides kicked. Black-lion pilot Keith, the force’s new captain (which should have been Allura, but WHATEVER), finally gets the bright idea that, “Hey! We should form Voltron!” They do so and defeat the robeast. Rinse, and repeat. Most episodes are a beat-by-beat riff on this same plot. Did my brother Tom and I watch every one? Yes, we did. Did we ever get tired of it? No, we did not.

You can catch the magic that is the original Voltron on Netflix (select episodes) and on Hulu. If you want an actual plot that isn’t 72 episodes of the same exact thing, Netflix’s 2016 revival, Voltron: Legendary Defender, combines the fab premise with actual good writing. Sadly, they did Princess Allura dirty at the end, so stop watching before the series finale if you don’t want to see yet another woman of color sacrifice herself for her male, non-Black counterparts.

Tracy Fernandez Rysavy, Driftwood Advisor 

Phineas and Ferb posterPhineas and Ferb: Step-brothers Phineas and Ferb will stop at nothing to ensure that every day of their summer vacation is a blast. In each episode, the duo and their friends cook up a new, elaborate scheme involving some sort of insanely outlandish or ostensibly dangerous project, like assembling the world’s tallest building, crafting a giant roller coaster in their backyard, inventing a time machine, fighting evil zombies, becoming rock stars, or befriending aliens during a trip to outer space. The boys’ older sister, Candace, tries desperately to “bust” them by exposing their crazy antics to their mother, but much to Candace’s chagrin, she always seems to fail. Meanwhile, the family’s pet platypus, Perry, who doubles as a secret agent, must inevitably sneak off to battle with the show’s evil but somewhat endearing villain, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, and foil his nefarious plans. Although it’s best known as a popular Disney Channel sitcom, Phineas and Ferb’s comedic style and head-shakingly humorous storylines make it an enjoyable watch for both children and adults alike! Yes, the show is totally stupid, wildly unrealistic, and utterly ridiculous… but it’s one of those where you just can’t help but smile, laugh, and keep clicking “Next episode.” Available on Disney+. 

—Mallory Allen

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