10. We were instructed by the department chair to get back to job fundamentals: teaching, research, and…I don’t know, we weren’t really listening, but top tens weren’t on the list.
9. New editor’s contract has a strict no top ten list clause.
8. Our new faculty member, Brett Favre, was going to write it… but then he changed his mind and retired again.
7. We were tired of hearing Letterman whine about how we stole his idea.
6. The Pink Flamingo Task Force for The Writing of Top Ten Lists and Other Items of Comedic Value (PFTFFTWOTTLAOIOCV, for short) took furlough this week.
5. Two years worth of student hate mail is finally starting to take its toll on our confidence.
4. We spent all week trying to understand the Packers’ new defense (is it a 3-4 or 4-3?) and ran out of time (hey, at least we didn’t throw four interceptions this week).
3. Budget cuts mean that department newsletter editors are no longer paid per joke.
2. We settled for a top nine instead.