Dear Pink Flamingo, I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I just keep thinking about it over and over again. Please help me learn to get over Brett Favre’s retirement. Sincerely, Gloomy in Green Bay.
Dear Gloomy, We at The Pink Flamingo understand how hard it is to get over such a loss, and we are sorry that you are taking it so hard. We all knew this day would come (granted, most of us thought it would be another 15 years or so), but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the pain that comes with knowing that the Favre era is over.
Normally, we would encourage people to work through the loss in a healthy way. Talk with others about the loss, view photos and videos of Favre at his best (try not to watch that last Giants-Packers game if you can). However, with a loss of this magnitude, we would encourage you to employ a couple of Freudian defense mechanisms because, frankly, we don’t think it’s possible to get over this in a healthy way. Starting with denial, we would urge you to pretend it hasn’t happened. When your friends and family try to talk about his retirement, respond with a smile and say, “No, didn’t you hear? He changed his mind.” When Green Bay throws the biggest parade this state has ever seen in his honor and gives him the key to the city, just pretend it’s because they won the Super Bowl. This may get tougher come fall when the Packers start playing again. Our suggestion… each Sunday, instead of watching the game that’s on, pop in a tape of your favorite game from the Favre era (if you are a real fan, you probably have at least one on tape somewhere) and watch that instead. You can’t go wrong because, in your mind, Brett is still on the team, and the Packers will go 16 and 0.
If that doesn’t work, we suggest you displace your negative emotions by redirecting them onto another team. The Vikings and Bears are always good for this, so take your anger and use it to direct as many insults toward your TV screen when they play as you possibly can. Again, you can’t lose because, chances are, they will both be very bad again next year.
Well, Gloomy, that’s the best we can do right now, particularly since we are still consumed with our own grief. Maybe that’s why we’re describing strategies that therapists, clergy, anger management specialists, and pretty much any rational human being would say are both ridiculous and unhealthy. Of course, we’re just newsletter editors, and we’re actually not even sure why we answered this letter. After all, Favre didn’t really retire, right??