The new on-line suggestion box has more than doubled our volume of both real and fictitious mail! Ernst Stavro Blofeld from Gdynia, Poland, writes, “Dear Pink Flamingo, How have you been able to do such a good job of keeping your identities a secret? My colleagues and I should very much like to know who you really are.
First of all, Ernst, we at The Pink Flamingo are thrilled to know that our readership has expanded into Poland. It’s nice to know that our marketing division is doing its job.
To answer your question, Ernst, keeping our identities secret is a challenging but important part of our job. It will probably come as no surprise to you that, because of our controversial coverage of current events, our lives are often in danger. Unfortunately, money for a security division isn’t in the budget, so we have to rely on our cunning wits to get us through the day. It’s a wonder we’re still alive. How do we do it? Well, for starters, our meetings are never publicized in advance and even our editorial staff doesn’t know the times or locations until they have to. Approximately one hour before meeting time, required personnel are paged with an encrypted message (You know, something like, “Dogs barking can’t fly without umbrellas.”) containing the location and time of our next meeting. We are instructed to speak to no one and to proceed to the rendezvous point immediately. Simultaneously, several look-alikes are dispatched throughout the city to make following us more difficult. The meetings last no longer than 30 minutes, and speaking is prohibited (all communication must be written to avoid any use of voice identification strategies). All notes from the meeting are destroyed, so all content must be committed to memory before leaving.
It’s a good system and we’re proud of it. Most importantly, it works. To date, no student has been able to figure out who the authors of The Pink Flamingo really are…right???