Dear Pink Flamingo, Now that the entire world knows your true identities, how do you manage to keep yourself safe? Sincerely, Worried in Waukesha.
Dear Worried in Waukesha,
First of all, thanks for your concern. It’s always nice to know that our readers care about us.
To answer your question, times have been tough. We have been hounded by our fans and, of course, the paparazzi. Everywhere we go, it seems, our pictures are being taken and fans are asking for autographs. As I’m sure you know, we have written some controversial articles over the years, and not everyone who wants to meet us is looking for our picture. Last year’s piece on priority registration for human development majors/minors alone earned us several threats and, of course, our recent investigative report on teaching assistantships barely made it to print for fear that we would upset the wrong people. In fact, our Chief Editor recently had to move into a better neighborhood in order to avoid the mobs of people gathered outside her previous home.
The good news is that our new office (see previous post) has top of the line security. The door has a lock that works fairly well, and most of the windows close all the way. We purchased the best guard dog our budget would allow (it’s a puggle), and Dr. Gurung (aka “The Bombay Brawler”) has assured us that he “has our backs” (thank goodness we have that puggle!). All in all, we are doing our best to bring you the news, but we rue the day we allowed our true identities to be revealed.