Dear Pink Flamingo,
I was simply thrilled to read that you had hired a new writer. I admit, I was starting to find your work a little dry… as though you had lost your fervor for departmental newsletter writing. However, your new scribe offers a moving departure from the stale and passionless prose you offered us last year. The graduate school tip last month made me weep, and I found the article on SIS to be informative and poignant. I simply must know this new author’s name. What can I do to find out?
Needy in Neenah
We’re so glad you are happy with our new addition but are sorry to tell you that we can’t reveal our new author’s name. To do so would pose a safety risk and serve as a breach of this person’s contract which stipulated that his/her real name could not be revealed until such time as his/her death or the end of the 2009-2010 academic year.
I can tell you a little bit about how our new author was chosen, however. Every summer, we hold the Pink Flamingo National Invitational Camp (commonly called the PF Combine), to which the best college-level departmental newsletter editors are invited. At this weeklong event (held in Honolulu last year), potential PF editors are put to the test with a series of grueling mental and physical tasks (e.g., typing tests, newsletter IQ assessments). Based on their results, we invite the best of this impressive group of young newsletter editors to Green Bay for a three-day interview on campus. Here, they meet with the Chancellor, the Provost, faculty and students of the Human Development and Psychology programs, and prominent members of the community. They undergo an exhaustive background check, and, finally, they must demonstrate their skills with a timed newsletter writing task.
Following the interviews, “The Pink Flamingo Committee for the Assessment and Hiring of New Editors with the Hopes that They will Soon Replace the Old Editors Who Don’t Want to Do it Anymore” meets at a cabin in Door County to discuss the finalists and make a decision about whom to hire. In the end, however, we usually don’t hire any of these young stars because, let’s be honest, anyone can write this dribble.
The Pink Flamingo Committee for Responding to Fictional Mail