Top Ten Signs You’re Not Getting Enough Sleep

With final projects looming, concern about upcoming registration, and the knowledge that exams are about one month away, this is the time of year when students tell us they might not be getting enough sleep.  We asked our resident not-enough-sleep expert and new Dad, Dr. Martin, for some signs that you might not be getting enough sleep. 

10. You’re not even trying to be discrete as you fall asleep in class.

9. You ore more prome to typos wehn writting than usuall. 

8. I had a good one for number 8 but I can’t remember what it was…

7. Oh yeah, I remember, memory problems.

6. You’re learning to enjoy the company of those in your sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations.

5. Those late night infomercial products are really starting to look good.  Have you seen the H2O Mop?  That frickin’ thing will clean up anything!!!

4. You tried to enroll yourself in a study on the effectiveness of Madafinil, the military’s new “wakefulness promoting agent.” 

3. The coffee vender knows more about you than your parents.

2. Your professors’ jokes, including this Top Ten List, actually seem funny.

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The Top 10: Explanations for Not Making it to The Super Bowl

Well, the Super Bowl has come and gone (Congratulations, New Orleans!), but you probably noticed there wasn’t any NFC North representation in the big game. Drs. Martin and Vespia had a friendly argument about whether the Top 10 list this month should make fun of the Packers or the Vikings. The compromise? Dr. Vespia would get 5 chances to mock the Vikings, and Dr. Martin would have his 5 opportunities to pick on the Packers. Who won? You decide.

The Top 5 Reasons the Vikings Didn’t Make it to the Super Bowl  

5. As psychologists, we all know that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, and well, if you’ve never won a Super Bowl in the past, chances are…

4. Coaches and players watched hours of film of the Saints in preparation for the game but forgot to review the most critical piece of tape: overtime of the January 2008 Packers-Giants playoff game.

3. Given their fumble record, Viking players have apparently not yet learned that one must actually hold on to the football in order to score points.

2. Unfortunately, playoff games aren’t held in September prior to the Vikings’ traditional late-season choke. 

1. Dr. Martin insisted when he moved to Green Bay that our quarterback was aging, over-rated, and prone to throwing interceptions. Perhaps he was right, after all.

The Top 5 Reasons the Packers Didn’t Make it to the Super Bowl

5. Turns out that Favre guy they got rid of was actually pretty decent. 

4. Ted Thompson foolishly included language in the offensive linemen’s contracts stipulating that they only need to play full speed on even downs.  

3. No one could have anticipated this, but the teams with losing records they beat all season weren’t as good as the teams they would face in the playoffs. 

2. NFL rules (along with the United Nations Committee on Biomedical Ethics) dictate that Charles Woodson cannot be cloned.

1. The Packers defense, ranked number 2 in the NLF, played just like that…number 2.

Pink Flamingo Mailbox

Dear Pink Flamingo,

I was simply thrilled to read that you had hired a new writer.  I admit, I was starting to find your work a little dry… as though you had lost your fervor for departmental newsletter writing.  However, your new scribe offers a moving departure from the stale and passionless prose you offered us last year.  The graduate school tip last month made me weep, and I found the article on SIS to be informative and poignant.  I simply must know this new author’s name.  What can I do to find out?

Sincerely,

Needy in Neenah

Dear Needy,

We’re so glad you are happy with our new addition but are sorry to tell you that we can’t reveal our new author’s name.  To do so would pose a safety risk and serve as a breach of this person’s contract which stipulated that his/her real name could not be revealed until such time as his/her death or the end of the 2009-2010 academic year. 

I can tell you a little bit about how our new author was chosen, however.  Every summer, we hold the Pink Flamingo National Invitational Camp (commonly called the PF Combine), to which the best college-level departmental newsletter editors are invited.  At this weeklong event (held in Honolulu last year), potential PF editors are put to the test with a series of grueling mental and physical tasks (e.g., typing tests, newsletter IQ assessments).  Based on their results, we invite the best of this impressive group of young newsletter editors to Green Bay for a three-day interview on campus.  Here, they meet with the Chancellor, the Provost, faculty and students of the Human Development and Psychology programs, and prominent members of the community. They undergo an exhaustive background check, and, finally, they must demonstrate their skills with a timed newsletter writing task.

Following the interviews, “The Pink Flamingo Committee for the Assessment and Hiring of New Editors with the Hopes that They will Soon Replace the Old Editors Who Don’t Want to Do it Anymore” meets at a cabin in Door County to discuss the finalists and make a decision about whom to hire.  In the end, however, we usually don’t hire any of these young stars because, let’s be honest, anyone can write this dribble. 

Sincerely,

The Pink Flamingo Committee for Responding to Fictional Mail

Brett Favre Quits Vikings to Join Human Development

Breaking news out of the Twin Cities! Brett Favre has decided to end another career, but in this case, he’s leaving the Vikings to join us here in Human Development (wouldn’t you?). Of course, we couldn’t offer him $25 million, but we did have 25 cents lying around, and he was really excited about the opportunity to teach a new course for us in the Spring: HUM DEV 500/Advanced Seminar in (Un)Retirement. We just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have a world-renowned expert with so much personal experience in the area teaching the class for us. Of course, he will be playing back-up on our team to the first-string quarterback of gerontology courses at UWGB: Dr. Dean Von Dras.

Editors’ Note: If you actually believe this story, we have a flock of flamingos we’d be happy to sell you at a very reasonable price, and if you think we sound a little bitter, well, we are. (And, yes, Dr. Martin is still a Vikings fan, and, no, Dr. Vespia really doesn’t want to talk about it.)