Top Ten List: The Top 10 Reasons There Will Be No Top Ten List This Month

10. We were instructed by the department chair to get back to job fundamentals: teaching, research, and…I don’t know, we weren’t really listening, but top tens weren’t on the list. 

9. New editor’s contract has a strict no top ten list clause.

8. Our new faculty member, Brett Favre, was going to write it… but then he changed his mind and retired again.

7. We were tired of hearing Letterman whine about how we stole his idea. 

6. The Pink Flamingo Task Force for The Writing of Top Ten Lists and Other Items of Comedic Value (PFTFFTWOTTLAOIOCV, for short) took furlough this week. 

5. Two years worth of student hate mail is finally starting to take its toll on our confidence.

4. We spent all week trying to understand the Packers’ new defense (is it a 3-4 or 4-3?) and ran out of time (hey, at least we didn’t throw four interceptions this week).

3. Budget cuts mean that department newsletter editors are no longer paid per joke. 

2. We settled for a top nine instead.

The Pink Flamingo Mailbox: How Do I Deal with Post-Spring Break Sadness?

As always, we welcome letters from our devoted readers. Here’s a sample of recent bit of mail.

 

Dear Pink Flamingo,

 

Every year, I have problems feeling motivated at school after Spring Break.  I don’t really know what to do.  I am supposed to come back all refreshed from my time away from classes, but it never feels that way.  How am I supposed to get through the final six weeks? 

 

Sincerely,

Apathetic in Appleton  

 

Editors’ Note: At press time there were actually five weeks and four days left in the semester (i.e., 936 hours). 

 

Dear Apathetic,

 

Yes, this is a common problem following spring break. Whether you spent your break on the beaches of Honolulu or behind your desk at your full-time job, chances are you didn’t come back refreshed and ready to go but, rather, you are counting the weeks, days, and hours until this semester is over.

We would love to tell you that there is a complex psychobiological explanation for what you are feeling (e.g., some sort of post-vacation hormone imbalance associated with too much sun or too much sleep) but, chances are, it’s pretty simple…you got a taste of the good life, and now you want some more. I also wish I could give you a simple solution but, alas, there isn’t one. You might try what some veteran professors do. They just continue to go to class and give lectures throughout the week (we’re not sure if they notice the changes in class participation) so they don’t feel let down at the end of “break.” You could try something similar. Get up and go to class each day; raise your hand to ask a question (just don’t hurt yourself by keeping it up in the air too long – and don’t expect anyone to answer); make up an extra term paper assignment and pull an all-nighter to get it done in time; then collapse and enjoy your weekend. You’ll come back from “Spring Break” feeling like you do every Monday morning! Of course, maybe that wasn’t what you had in mind…if not, just put on your happy face, grin and bear it, and wait a mere 935 hours and 55 minutes. I bet you’ll feel much better then!  

Top Ten List: Your Instructors’ Favorite Exam Questions

We know that you’re all feeling a bit stressed in the homestretch of the Spring semester. Papers, exams, group project – the “to-do” list seems endless. The PF is here to help! We’ve compiled a list of instructors’ Top 10 favorite exam questions so you can get a head start of your studying. Enjoy!  

 

10. What is the meaning of life? Answer the question and give 10 specific examples from historical psychology experiments to support your response.

9. What did I say on the third day of the semester about 15 minutes into my lecture? Be specific.

8.  Design a study to test the hypothesis that all psychological phenomena are measureable. Make sure to label and operationally define your independent and dependent variables.

7. Explain what a “phenomenological theory lacking empirical support” is in three words or less.

6. Create a detailed diagram that pictorially depicts the relationship among memory, Freud, and cognitive dissonance.

5. Write an essay that says exactly what I want you to say in perfect grammar without me having to tell you the question.

4. What is human development? You have 2 minutes to provide a complete answer including citations, and you cannot use the words “human” or “development.”

3. How many words were there in Chapter 7 of your textbook? If you can list word 371, you will receive one point of extra credit.

2. Which of the following is the best answer to this multiple-choice question?

a.

b.

c.

a. and b.

a. and b. or c.

a. or b., but not c.

a. and c., but only b. when the test is read with 3-D glasses

c. and b., but not a., except on alternate Tuesdays with a full moon.

 

And…your instructors’ #1 favorite exam question:

 

1. Repeat back every word I’ve said in the last 14 weeks. Make sure there are no spelling errors!

 

Top Ten Reasons We Know Spring Is Coming…Really

Even if it was -5 degrees last week and Jimmy the Groundhog predicted another six weeks of winter, we want you to know that spring is indeed on its way. Thus, here are the top ten reasons we know spring is coming.

10.  History is the best predictor of the future and, as far as we can remember, there was a spring last year.

9.  The temperature has gone up about 35 degrees since last week alone. At that rate, it will be about 240 degrees outside by mid-March.

8. New cases of the flu on campus are down, but new cases of senioritis among the May graduates are up, a sure sign of spring.

7. There’s so much dirt on the snow banks at this point that even though you haven’t seen it in months, you can almost remember what the ground looks like.

6. Your lame newsletter editors have created another Top 10 list about the weather, and that only happens every spring and fall – not in the winter!

5.  Dr. Martin only slipped on the ice three times on his walk in from the parking lot this morning. That is well below his winter average of six times per walk.   

4.  Brett Favre is planning on making his annual decision about retirement in the next couple of weeks.  That only happens in the spring…or summer…or sometimes in the fall…but never in the middle of winter.

3. The crews are hard at work on Highway 172, and you know what they say – there are only two seasons in Wisconsin: winter and road construction. If it’s road construction, then it can’t be winter, right?

2. It feels like the air conditioning has been turned on in the MAC Hall classrooms, so maybe it’s not almost spring…maybe we’re already heading to summer.

And, the #1 reason we know spring is coming…

1.  Spring break is only 768 hours away (not that we’re counting).

Top 10 List: The Top 10 Strategies for Getting Through the Last 5 Weeks of the Semester

It may or may not be hard for you to believe this, but there are only five weeks left in the semester (actually, at press time there were four and a half, but who’s counting?). We know this is a tough time for you with exams, papers, and projects all coming together and keeping you very busy. We’ve been pretty busy ourselves – so busy, in fact, that we didn’t have time for a full top ten list. Instead, we actually bring you the top eight strategies for getting through the last five weeks of the semester. 

8. Channel your inner Freud and see if denial works for you – The semester is over in 5 weeks? How can that be – it hasn’t even started yet! Was I supposed to be going to class all this time?

7. Remember your learning theory and try applying a fixed interval reinforcement schedule to shape your professors’ behavior. If Skinner could get a pigeon to play the piano, surely you can convince your professors to cancel all final papers and projects.

6. Practice unconditional positive regard. Just keep repeating to yourself: No matter how much homework they give me, no matter how angry I get at their test questions, or how miserable they make my life, I still value my professors as human beings…and should probably bring them candy.

5. Stop reading this newsletter!  You are wasting valuable space in your long-term memory that could be used for storing information you will need to get through the rest of the semester and help you as you take those pesky final ex…whoops, too late.

4. Remember, it’s all about cognitive appraisal.  Just repeat after us: I love exams and papers and registering for classes and homework and presentations and group projects…oh, forget it.  It’s never going to work.  What was Aaron Beck thinking? 

3. Combine what you know about child development and Freud and try using regression. You know, like this: I’m sorry – I don’t have time to read this stupid Top 10 list or work on the term paper that’s due next week. I’m too busy watching Scooby-Doo and playing with my toys. What’s a semester anyway?

2. Keep eating that Halloween candy.  The energy burst from all the sugar should help you get through the next week with no problems (you may want to double check with Dr. Gurung, our Health Psychologist, on this one). 

1. Ultimately, identifying the best strategy for getting through the last five weeks of the semester is an empirical question that can best be answered by a series of controlled studies.  Honors project anyone???

Pink Flamingos in the News: A PF Legal Team Investigation

In our never-ending quest to bring you all news flamingo-related, our cracker-jack lead investigative reporter recently used her world-class journalism skills to do a Google news search for “flamingos.” What did she find? A group in Ohio is dressing up plastic flamingos – just like we do here at UW-Green Bay – just like the flamingos that have provided the inspiration for our beloved newsletter! (see story and photos at http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=9151101) Sure, they’re using the flamingos to raise money and awareness for breast cancer, a great charitable cause, and we’re using ours for…well…our own amusement. Nevertheless, although most people would read the heart-warming story and be inspired, we here at the PF began to wonder who else might have this fantastic idea. Might people try to steal our thunder or challenge our unique place in the world? Worse yet, what if they make flamingos that are cuter than ours??? The answer came to us immediately: establish flamingo-relevant humor, flamingo-related journalism, plastic flamingos, and even real flamingos as our intellectual property. We consulted with the team of attorneys we have on retainer, and they had bad news. In their so-called “legal opinion,” we have no case because the blog isn’t our property, and there isn’t anything remotely intellectual about it. Undeterred, we are considering sending cease and desist orders to all those who owe their fame and fortune to us for clearly being the first to bring attention to pink flamingos through our internationally-recognized blog. You know – Taco Flamingo, the San Diego Zoo, the Audubon Society, and even the state of Florida. We’ll let you know what the lawyers have to say about that one.

Seriously, though, can you believe someone else had the idea of dressing up plastic flamingos? Maybe you’re going to have to stop making those jokes about how strange your faculty members are.

Pink Flamingo Mailbox

Dear Pink Flamingo, Now that the entire world knows your true identities, how do you manage to keep yourself safe?  Sincerely, Worried in Waukesha. 

Dear Worried in Waukesha,

First of all, thanks for your concern.  It’s always nice to know that our readers care about us. 

To answer your question, times have been tough.  We have been hounded by our fans and, of course, the paparazzi.  Everywhere we go, it seems, our pictures are being taken and fans are asking for autographs.  As I’m sure you know, we have written some controversial articles over the years, and not everyone who wants to meet us is looking for our picture.  Last year’s piece on priority registration for human development majors/minors alone earned us several threats and, of course, our recent investigative report on teaching assistantships barely made it to print for fear that we would upset the wrong people.  In fact, our Chief Editor recently had to move into a better neighborhood in order to avoid the mobs of people gathered outside her previous home. 

The good news is that our new office (see previous post) has top of the line security. The door has a lock that works fairly well, and most of the windows close all the way.  We purchased the best guard dog our budget would allow (it’s a puggle), and Dr. Gurung (aka “The Bombay Brawler”) has assured us that he “has our backs” (thank goodness we have that puggle!). All in all, we are doing our best to bring you the news, but we rue the day we allowed our true identities to be revealed. 

The Pink Flamingo Opens New Press Office

Those of you new to The Pink Flamingo may not know that for years the editors of this esteemed publication remained safely anonymous by using a system of coded messages, secret meetings, and downright deception. Well…at the end of last semester Drs. Martin and Vespia were revealed as the co-editors of the PF. They have since been besieged by fan mail, requests for autographs, and offers to write for late-night comedy shows – they’ve even been followed by paparazzi eager to learn their most highly-guarded newsletter secrets. For their own safety and so they would have enough time to keep the presses running, they’ve had to open the new off-campus press office pictured below. It’s taken a big chunk out of the newsletter budget, but it’s been worth every penny. After all, they should both be able to bowl a perfect game by the time the next Student-Faculty Bowling Night rolls around (get it? “rolls” around…).

 vespia2.JPG

Seriously, though, we’d like to thank Eowyn Waibel, who took this photo over the summer and sent it to us for the blog. If you have any flamingo-related photos or news items you’d like to share, please email them to us, and we’ll try to find a way to give you some well-deserved credit and write a funny story to accompany them. We’ll do better on that last part next time – really. 

Top Ten Reasons This Semester Will Be the Best One Yet

We know you’ve missed it. We know your summer wasn’t the same without it. How did you survive three months without a PF Top Ten list? Well, here it is, our Top Ten Reasons this Semester Will Be the Best One Yet.

10.  Temperature increases associated with global warming mean that, very soon, pink flamingos could be indigenous to Green Bay. 

9.  Two years ago we started with a paper newsletter. Last year we moved it on-line. This year…virtual reality (coming soon). 

8.  Finally, we’ll be able to pay attention to something other than Brett Favre and the Packers like…Brett Favre and the Jets.

7.  High gas prices will make it impossible for faculty to leave campus. In other words, office hours 24-7.

6.  Election year means less TV-watching to avoid the glut of political commercials. As a result, all students will now do their reading and get it done before class!

5.  New Pink Flamingo Press Office guarantees free bowling all the time for anyone who can find it.

4.  Late-night Olympic watching provided perfect training for surviving on less sleep. Term paper all-nighters now won’t be a problem.

3.  Presidential campaign season offers a conversation ice-breaker we can all identify with: “Let’s talk about the geopolitical ramifications of outsourcing major portions of our infrastructure, as well as the potential impact of proposed fiscal policies on the global economy in an uncertain financial market.”

2. New 14-week calendar and class schedule means an extra 5 or 10 minutes of listening to the dulcet tones of your professors lecturing to you – what could be better?!

1. Now that the newsletter editors aren’t anonymous anymore, you know who to insult when you don’t like the Top 10 list.

Enter the Study Break Faculty Trivia Contest!

Want to know which of your faculty members failed a driving test? Performed in rodeos? Baked a prize-winning cake? Well, enter our Study Break Faculty Trivia Contest. Click on the link below, read the statements, and match them with the faculty member they describe. Don’t forget to guess the newsletter editors’ identities in our tie-breaker! Answers will be revealed on May 15th. The winning student (after tallying the correct answers, implementing tie-breakers, and drawing names from hats) will win a PHD Club t-shirt.

Click here to go to the Trivia Contest  

This Just In…Dr. Martin Leaving UWGB to Join Professional Bowlers Association

Okay, so if The Fourth Estate can run an April Fool’s Day headline about Favre deciding not to retire, clearly we can include at least one joke headline in our esteemed publication. Truthfully, Dr. Ryan Martin has not decided to leave teaching to take up bowling as a career. He did, however, earn the high score of 187 at the recent P/HD Club Student-Faculty Bowling Night (first runner-up was Office Manager Twila Marquardt with an impressive 169). If you missed the fun, check out the photos below and plan to attend the Club’s next event. And…please notice that Dr. Martin is looking mighty proud holding his bowling ball after a great second game that included two “turkeys” (what we like to call a “flamingo”). Before he gets too excited about joining the PBA ranks, though, we would like to point out that although his second game might have been quite good, he probably wouldn’t win any professional matches with his whopping first game score of…80.

bowling1.JPG      bowling2.JPG      bowlinggroup.JPG

The Pink Flamingo’s Top 10 Signs that Spring Has Arrived

Ah, Wisconsin in April – the mud, the brown grass, the snow flurries – who could ask for more delightful signs of Spring? We could! However, since we can’t really expect blooming flowers or balmy temperatures right now, The Pink Flamingo brings you a funny (we hope) Top 10 list to point out the ways you can tell that Spring really has arrived here on campus in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

10. It’s still 30 degrees outside, but now you are wearing flip flops and shorts instead of boots and sweaters.

9. When you see cars triple-parked in the Sports Center lot, it’s because their drivers were late to class, not because the parking lot lines were completely covered by snow and ice.

8. There is now officially more salt on your dinner at night than there is on the outside of your car.

7. Nobody is excited about the idea of a “snow day” anymore.

6. The Packers have released their 2008 schedule, and you’re already thinking about training camp and the celebration you’ll have for the season-opening victory over the Minnesota Vikings on September 8th.

5. With registration approaching, you are now worrying about the classes you won’t get into next Fall instead of the classes you didn’t get into this Spring.

4. Your professors have stopped pretending there’s enough time left to finish the whole syllabus by the end of the semester.

3. You’ve stopped pretending there’s enough time left to keep up with this silly blog and still finish all of your assigned readings by the end of the semester. (So…you’re going to read the blog, right?)

2. When you say you can’t make it to class because the roads are too bad, it’s because of all the pot holes, not the snow and ice.

1. There are actually live birds on campus again – not just those stupid plastic flamingos outside your professors’ offices.