The Pink Flamingo Mailbag

Dear Pink Flamingo,

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how lazy you professors are.  I’ve heard you only work about 20 hours per week, have summers off, and spend the winter break just lounging around doing nothing.  Is that true?

Sincerely,

Jealous in Janesville

Dear Jealous,

Yes, it’s absolutely true.  The vast majority of us got into this field, not because we value education, but because of how easy it is to do what we do.  When it comes to the winter break, most of us use it as a chance to sit around and relax rather than to catch up on the work we were unable to complete during the semester.  We never have meetings during this time, never go to conferences, and never spend this time planning our courses for the next semester or working on our research. 

In fact, here’s what a typical day will look like for me over the break.  When I’m ready to get out of bed (around 10:30 or so), I ring for my valet.  He brings up my clothes for the day (all new as I don’t like to wear the same thing twice) and lets me know what the cook has prepared for my breakfast.  Typically, I take my breakfast (usually eggs benedict) in the den so I can watch Saved by the Bell while I eat.  My masseuse is scheduled to arrive around noon for my hour long massage treatment.  After that, I usually take a long bath and eat the lunch that’s been prepared for me.  At that point, I’m pretty tired so I take my afternoon nap.  When I wake up, it’s around 4:00 and I like to spend the next few hours before dinner watching television or movies.  Around 7:00, my lobster dinner (I have them flown in from Maine each afternoon) has been prepared for me so I sit down to eat.  After my dessert, I adjourn to the game room (if I still have the energy) and spend the rest of the evening playing video games before bed.  My valet then brings me my cashmere pajamas, I climb into my ridiculously comfortable bed, and fall asleep to the sound of my personal orchestra playing Hush Little Baby.

It’s a glamorous life and I sometimes wonder, if what we do is so very easy and our lives are so luxurious… why don’t more people do it?

So…Enjoy Your Winter “Break”!

 Much like our professor’s description above, I am imagining that “break” isn’t quite the word you would use to describe what will happen in the weeks before the start of the spring semester. Because students never work full time, take January interim classes, work on job or graduate school applications, or do anything else when school isn’t in session, right? We know your valets are bringing you breakfast in bed, too! Please, though, seriously – be safe, be well, and enjoy the change of pace that comes with at least a little different schedule. For those of you not graduating in December, we can’t wait to see you again in the spring!

The Pink Flamingo Mailbag

Dear Pink Flamingo, 

I just learned that there’s a national election coming up.  It weird that I haven’t heard about it until now but I guess the media has been more focused on other things… like Honey Boo Boo and bad NFL officiating.  Anyway, I’m one of the many Americans who is still undecided and am wondering if you can give me some help in figuring this out.  Will you be endorsing anyone this year? 

Sincerely, 

Apathetic in Appleton

Dear Apathetic,

 Actually, The Pink Flamingo has a long history of avoiding endorsements of candidates for public office.  Our feeling has been that we don’t want to tarnish our journalistic credibility by coming out in favor or against particular candidates.  If we had come out and endorsed Thomas Dewey publicly in 1944, for example, we may have alienated his supporters who would never again trust our important updates on course changes or our career advice.  In fact, we checked our archives and learned that our last endorsement was of Rufus King in the 1816 election for President and, as I’m sure you have read, the fallout from that endorsement was very troubling.

 That said, if we were to endorse a candidate for President it would be the one who most closely adhered to the interdisciplinary, problem-focused mission of our university… and I think we all know who that is [wink wink].

Top 5 Ways this Newsletter would be Different if it were Written by “Replacement Editors”

Okay, this story starts with a confession. Our regular humor editor was unavailable this month, so you are only getting a Top 5 list instead of the Top 10 list, and we make no guarantees it will actually be funny. We are also going for the easy laugh at others’ expense, knowing how much Green Bay Packer fans just loved those replacement referees. In their honor we contemplated a world in which our beloved Pink Flamingo was written instead by replacement editors.

5. Professional newsletter editors have PhDs in psychology. Replacement newsletter editors would have their advanced psychology education from watching episodes of Dr. Phil and their favorite “Real Housewives” franchise.

 4. Sentences like “geting a job in humen developmint should simpel if you are wel-preparedd” would make the final version because replacement editors would see them as the verbal equivalents of a touchdown (or was that an interception?).

3. Finding Roger Goodell’s inbox full, students would flood the Chancellor’s Office with tweets demanding the return of the “real editors.”

2. The National Enquirer would issue a press release saying they had fired the PF replacement editors 6 months ago for poor performance, so they don’t understand why another respected publication would hire them.

And, the #1 way the newsletter would be different if it were written by replacement editors:

1. It might actually be worth reading for a change.