Goodbye, My Darlings….

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Dear graduates,

It’s that time of year again; when I have to say goodbye to another group of AMAZING students.  Now, If there’s one thing I have learned over the last few years it’s that I can’t get away with not writing one of these goodbye messages where I reference a bunch of old movies (see here for past letters: Elf, Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect, Mean Girls).  I tried to tell students I didn’t want to this year.  I said, “but words are useless! Gobble, gobble, gobble…too much, darling, too much!”  They wouldn’t allow it, though.  They said, “Pull yourself together! The public is in danger!”  So now I’m sitting in my office trying to write this letter. I spent the first couple of minutes just swearing at my computer… for that is my creative process.

But don’t worry, I’m on it.  And like the other goodbye letters, this one is going to be incredible… too.

We had a pretty amazing year; the Midwestern Psychological Association Conference, the PSI Talks, our open house.  I was exhausted when it was all over.  I was like “We’re dead! We survived but we’re dead!”  But you all helped push me through it as you always do.  In the end, it was totally wicked!

By now, most of you know that I can’t be at graduation this year.  It’s not my fault.  My wife is graduating on the same day and I can’t be at both.  I tried to convince her.  I was like, “We are talking about the greater good!” but she was like, “Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!” She’s right, of course, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had big plans for that day.  I was finally gonna tell you all what I think.  I had a whole speech about good guys and bad guys and those shows you used to watch on Saturday mornings.  I was gonna make funny puns like, “ice of you to drop by”, but not anymore….

The truth is, I really don’t want you all to go.  In fact, I’ve been masterminding plans to keep you here.  Those plans mostly involve failing you so you have to retake classes, but I’ve also considered sabotaging the library elevator to keep you stuck on the top floor along with other elaborate evil-villain-like traps.  Honestly, nothing is beneath me.  Now I’ve got your attention, don’t I? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat!  That’s the way it works. Turns out, there are a lot of people, whole countries, who want respect, and they will pay through the nose to get it!

You sly dogs! You had me monologuing.

So that’s it.  You’re all done.  You’ve worked hard, you’ve done great things, but it’s time to go.  Once you’re gone, don’t look back.  I never look back, darlings. It distracts me from the now.  So don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  In fact, if you want to bet on something, bet on your own life!  But when you’re out there, doing your thing, just trust me that I’m your number one fan!

In the meantime, keep being amazing.

Sincerely,

Ryan

PS. I’m going to give you one last piece of unsolicited advice.  On your first day of work, remember, even though you deserve them… No capes!