A Goodbye Message to Our Graduates… that you will eat up like a cheesecake

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Dear Graduates,

I wanted to drop you all a quick note to say congratulations on your upcoming graduation.  A few of you asked that I do something for you like the Mean Girls goodbye I wrote to last year’s graduates.  I was like, “yeah, that’s not a thing, and you’re not the boss of me.” Instead, I just want to say goodbye in my own way and not feel pressured to try and include a bunch of quotes about flying Mexican food or whether or not synchronized lady dancing to a Mariah Carey chart-topper is lame (it’s not by the way).

The truth is, this is a tough group to say goodbye to.  It makes me sad.  I don’t know if that is a good feeling or an incorrect feeling (Feelings are hard.  Sometimes I have the feeling I can do crystal meth, but then I think, ‘Mmm, better not.’).  I just know that lately, when it comes to saying goodbye, I wanna do something else (we could re-live my parents’ divorce?)  It will be ok, though.  I am a survivor, but I have to pull back because I am limited.

We did a lot of great things this year: Psychology March Madness, the Smile Squad, February Psych Challenge, when we wrestled crocodiles and dingoes simultaneously (just to name a few).  One of the best things we did this year, though, was the NAMIwalk.  You may think we just show up and walk for something like that but, nope, the presidents of PHD and Psi Chi made it very clear, “We will practice, and I trust you will add your own cardio.”  I was like, “Yeah, no. Don’t put me down for cardio” but that didn’t stop them.  It was a great walk and we all had a great time, until I realized I parked in a lot where they do not validate.  Plus, if I’m being honest, I realized a couple minutes in that I should have taken that cardio tip more seriously.  Maybe some horizontal running?

I got to have most of you in class too, which was a joy.  I’m impressed by how smart, talented, funny, and curious you all are.  Granted, it wasn’t always pretty.  Like that time I had to tell a student, “That’s not a real word, but keep trying. You will get there” or the time I had to write on a student’s exam, “not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate.”  I’m sorry if I was too rough on you, but I am my father’s son and he always says ‘if at first you don’t succeed’…’pack your bags’.

Plus, it’s not like you were always nice to me.  At least one of you wrote “Is it me, or did we just take a left turn into snooze-ville?” on my course evaluations.  That hurt.  Someone tried to take it out of the evals but I said, “Leave it. It fuels my hate fire.”  So you know, I’m not a total nerd. I also happen to be super-into close-up magic.  Plus, I’m good at modern dance, olden dance, and mermaid dancing (it’s a lot of floor work).  That said, if I could sing a lick, I would. But I can’t. And I hate myself everyday because of it.

But enough about me.  This week is about you.  So in closing, let me say this.  I’ll miss you.  I’m serious…  Dixie Chicks serious.  It’s been an incredible experience working with you all and I’m thankful you chose to study psychology at UWGB.  I don’t like saying goodbye, but like I’ve told you… endings are the best part.

Hands in,

Ryan Martin
Chair of Psychology-UW-Green Bay
Lead Singer- The Minstrel Cycles

PS. I’m sorry for the name of my singing group.  That’s an unfortunate name.

A goodbye letter (that’s full of secrets) to our graduating psych majors

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Dear graduating seniors,

I wanted to drop you all a quick note to congratulate you on your exceptional accomplishments.  You have all done very well and I’m proud of you.  Forgive me if I get a little too sentimental here.  I just have a lot of feelings.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on our time together… reflecting on some of the highlights.  Classes we’ve had together, bowling with the student orgs, how on Wednesdays we wear pink, and other grool moments. I think my favorite was the research methods poster session, though.  I always thought it was so fetch and was impressed by your hard work, your dedication, and your thoughtfulness.  You may think there’s a limit to how impressed I was… but the limit does not exist.  I realize some of you didn’t enjoy it as much as I did and some even wanted to leave early.  I remember thinking, “I will keep you here till 4:00 if I have to.”

I wish I had been able to get to know you all a little better.  I have about 60 advisees (I can’t help it that I’m popular) and that makes it difficult to get to know students as well as I would like.  Plus, sometimes students just aren’t interested in getting to know me.  I can tell these things.  I’m kind of psychic.  I have a 5th sense.  It’s like I have ESPN or something. What’s just as bad, though, is that sometimes my advisees can be a little long-winded.  I remember one meeting I had with a student where she went on and on, telling story after story like how she’s totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels and how one time she met John Stamos on a plane (and he told her she was pretty). Anyway, I found out after about 30 minutes that she doesn’t even go here!

I realize I’m rambling a bit so let me just conclude with this.  As you embark on your next adventure, some of you may feel overwhelmed about what’s ahead.  You may think, yeah, I can’t do this. You’re gonna be havin’ a lot of urges.  You may wish to get back to the way things were.  You may even wish that you could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we’d all eat and be happy.  Just don’t do it. Promise?

Ryan Martin
Math Enthusiast/Bad Ass M.C.

PS. I should probably stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.