One of the first things you should do when you’re angry is sort out why you are feeling that way. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes, it’s complicated. Sometimes it’s reasonable to get angry but you’re feeling much angrier than most people would in that circumstance.
We all have different hot-button issues. For some, it’s being slowed down. For others, it’s not being recognized for their work. Trying to figure out why you’re feeling a certain way and what it says about you can go a really long way to helping you deal with your anger.
We usually get mad because there’s a problem. We want things to be different than they are and we get angry when we decide that someone is to blame for that difference.
A good way to manage anger then is to think about how we want things to be and what we can do, if anything, to make things how we want. Are you angry about the way you’re being treated by a friend or family member? Is there anything you can do to get them to treat you differently? Are you angry about how long it takes your kids to get out the door to school each morning? Are there ways you can work with them to solve that problem?
Note that the way to the desired outcome is rarely to yell, scream, or swear at people. There’s nothing wrong with a good rant every now and then, but usually the solution to an angering problem is some sort of level-headed focus on the solution.
One of the best things you can do if you think you have an anger problem is to keep track of your angry feelings. At the end of each day, write down the times you got angry, what caused it, what types of thoughts you had, and what you did with your anger. A journal like this, sometimes called a mood log, can shed some light on the types of situations that make you angry and help you find ways to deal with those situations.
Happy: In the last couple of years, the Psychology program at UWGB has made two “Happy” videos, one full of psychology references (and another with VH1-Inspired “Pop-ups” to point out all those references). I’ve included a page with links to both.
Most of my work looks at how we can understand and manage our own experiences with anger. However, there’s another side to this, since we all have to talk to, or work with, angry people all the time. Those interactions can be challenging—so here are 5 ways to deal with angry people.
In a previous post, I wrote about why people get angry. There’s a fairly predictable pattern based on your mood, the provocation, and your interpretation of that provocation (which is influenced by your mood). What follows all that is the anger response which can look a lot of different ways (anything from suppression to appropriate assertion to violence).
Anger gets a bit of a bad rap. People talk about anger as though we should never feel it and we certainly should never act on it. Neither of those are true. There are times when it’s not only reasonable to feel angry, it’s right to feel angry. If you’ve been wronged, treated unfairly, or provoked, you should get angry. In fact, would worry more about someone who didn’t feel angry in those circumstances.
That said, we all know that anger can get out of hand. How you handle it is different from whether or not you feel it. Again, it’s ok to act on anger too. It’s just that, usually, it’s best to be polite, assertive rather than aggressive, and calm when you act on it.
One of the worst things that can happen when someone gets angry is for them to say something they regret. It happens all the time. They become overwhelmed with anger and their desire for revenge overtakes everything else. Boom, they say something cruel or hurtful that can’t be taken back.
It’s a difficult thing to do but people need to find a way to stop, think through how they are feeling and how the other person is feeling, and then decide if and how they want to respond. Learning to do that can be the difference between letting your anger get the best of you and using your anger in a positive way.
Like any emotional problem, sometimes learning to deal with unwanted anger requires professional help. If you feel frustrated or angry often and nothing you’ve tried seems to help or if your anger has caused you problems at work, school, or in your personal life, you might want to meet with a professional therapist.
To help find a professional, the American Psychological Association (www.apa.org) has a Psychologist Locator. While not the only way to find help, it could be a good place to start.